There's No Place Like Home!

Dorothy hit the nail on the head - There IS no place like home!! We were so happy the day we got to take Kaitlyn home. It was one week and one day after she was born. I was so very happy, yet scared all at once. Before she had been hooked up to machines that told us the second anything was wrong. Now it was all our judgment. The first night was so nerve racking and I don't think Cody or I had any sleep. Rooming in at the hospital was scary too, but at least nurses and doctors were just a call away there. Not so at our house. But everything went great and we are just so very blessed to have her home!

The dress that she came home in is very special to my family. My dad actually bought it over 30 years ago for my cousin Michelle to go home in. Then each of the girl cousins wore it home from the hospital - including me. Kaitlyn is the first girl in the next generation so she was able to keep the tradition alive. The pictures right from the hospital she doesn't have socks on because she just had her PKU test done and the nurses told us to leave them off. (Just in case you were going to scold me like the random lady did in the lobby of the hospital.) I swear when you have a baby everyone feels the need to put their two cents in! ;)

Legacy

What exactly does the word legacy mean? It's hard to really say. If you look it up on dictionary.com this is what comes up:

"anything handed down from the past, as from an ancestor or predecessor"

Kaitlyn is my legacy. And that's what I am for my grandmother - her legacy. Kaitlyn is part of that too.

I lost my grandmother the day we roomed in with Kaitlyn at the hospital. She never got to meet Kaitlyn. She saw pictures, but never got to meet her - she missed it by one day.

I knew it was going to happen, and I knew it was going to be soon, so it really was no surprise when I got the phone call from my dad...but it didn't hurt any less. My grandmother went home from the hospital with a hospice nurse the day that I had Kaitlyn. My family tried to keep it from me because of the stress I was already under, but I guess they didn't think that their whispers carried the way they did. My family had all come in from everywhere to say goodbye to my grandmother - something I didn't get to do because I was at the hospital with my daughter. I know I shouldn't feel guilty and there's really no controlling what happened, but I would have loved to been able to say one last goodbye.

I was able to go to her funeral though. It was the day after we came home with Kaitlyn, and Cody's mother was so gracious to come watch her for about two hours. The pastor that did the ceremony talked about how my grandmother always had a sense of family and home no matter what. If you knew how many times my dad and his family had to move because of my grandfather's time in the army you would understand just how special that really was. My dad and his two sisters each graduated high school in a different country - yes, country. But no matter where they went my grandmother made it feel like home.

I didn't get to say goodbye and honestly it was so hard for me to really comprehend that it really happened because I had been so focused on Kaitlyn and her getting better. But now I've had some time to reflect and think back to how amazing my grandmother truly was. She always lived closed to us so I was lucky enough to have her in my life while I was growing up. She came to birthday parties, Christmas mornings, graduations - everything. She was the one who picked Tony or I up at school when we were sick because mom and dad were working in Dallas. When it came to grandmas it just didn't get much better than mine. That's why I want to create that same sense of home that my dad and his sisters had growing up. That's what I want for Kaitlyn and that's what I'm going to make sure I do for her. My grandma would have wanted me to.

Here are some memories I have of her:

-Hallmark Keepsake Ornaments - every year in July she would get us a Wish Book from hallmark and each of the grandkids would pick out the ornament we wanted. (I wrote a blog earlier on this) The one I got this year is for Kaitlyn - Baby's 1st Christmas. I love that it's the last one that is truly from my grandmother. It wasn't just ornaments either with Grandma. She sent a card for every occasion. If you went into the Hallmark store with her you would smile because all the clerks knew her by name. I swear she helped to keep that store in business.

-Her having two televisions in her living room. She had to do this she said because the sports seasons overlapped. She'd watch the rangers and the cowboys or mavericks or whoever was on. If two televisions were on it was because there were two games on at the same time and she couldn't miss them. :) My favorite thing that she would say when she got mad at a team was, "Awh, come on!"

-Her dollhouse. She made the most amazing dollhouse in the side of the wall in her sunroom. It had pictures on the wall of all of us grandkids when we were babies. She made food and plants out of a special kind of dough and then would paint it. It looked amazing. When I was younger she let me go in and "check" to make sure everything was in the right place. Occasionally a fork or something would be a little out of place (in my eyes) and she would let me carefully move the glass back and take tweezers and move it back into place. She also came to my 4th grade class to speak about the dollhouse hobby to my whole class. I was so proud and I don't think I stopped smiling the whole time she was there.

-The "cookie drawer." It was the bottom drawer in her cabinets right by the fridge. She always had it stocked with cookies and no matter when we asked we could always get one.

-She never missed an episode of The Price is Right or Wheel of Fortune.

-She had sooo many clocks in the house and it seemed like all of them "tocked" at different speeds, but that was the sound of Grandma's house.

-When Tony and I would spend the night sometimes on a Friday we would wake up to the smell of bacon. She always made us bacon with our breakfast.

-She always had peppermints in the living room and in the car. You always had to be prepared for fresh breathe.

-She taught me to write the names, locations, and dates on the back of pictures. I never thought I would forgot people's names and where we were until recently when I came across some old pictures from junior high. Wish I would have followed this advice more.

-When she IMed me while I was away at college she signed each IM screen "Love, Grandma"

-She knew real love when it hit her - my grandfather and her eloped. They drove from Shreveport to Waskom, TX when she still lived with her parents. They married in Waskom and she was home by curfew. They kept it a secret for almost a month and a half! I always loved listening to that story. Once I asked her if it made her sad to talk about my grandfather (he did when I was four) and she told me of course not. She loved to celebrate his life.

I could go on forever. I know that I was truly blessed to have a grandmother like the one I had. She was beyond amazing. She was a role model, a teacher, and just an extrodinary woman. I want to help live out her legacy in my life and my daughter's - and I intend to follow through with that.

NICU

My daughter is in the NICU - that's all that was going through my mind the next morning and for almost a week after. I had known of other people that have had babies in the NICU and I had seen it on countless movies and tv shows, but never in my mind did I think I would have a baby in the NICU.

At first I couldn't go see her. I was still recovering from surgery and they wouldn't let me go down to see her with all my i.v.s and what not hooked up to me. Cody could go down and he took pictures for me, but it still killed me that I couldn't see her. I hated the pictures too - not that I didn't instantly fall in love with her and think she was the most beautiful thing ever, but there was my precious baby with tubes and cords all over her and I couldn't even be there to tell her it was okay and that I loved her.

Eventually I was "unhooked" and was able to be taken in a wheel chair to go see her. It was the best and worst thing ever. She just looked so helpless to me and I couldn't as a mother do anything for her. The nurses told me all I could do was put my hand on her back because her skin was too sensitive for me to hold her or even rub her back. I wanted more than anything to just hold her in my arms.

The next few days were full of ups and downs. Cody and I went to see her periodically throughout each day and she continued to have progress and setbacks. She would be breathing great, but not eating...then she would be eating more, but not maintaining her body temperature. It was so stressful, but each minute that I got to spend with her was a minute I was thankful for.

Friends and family came up to visit while were in the hospital, which I am so thankful for, but it was also so sad to me. I had gone plenty of times up to the hosptial when someone I knew I had a baby - even two weeks before for Casey and Candy's daughter Cadie. Each time everyone would take turns passing the baby around talking about how cute he or she was. But when I had visitors all I could do was update them on Kaitlyn's status. I wanted to be the proud mom and show her off to everyone, but she was still hooked up to machines in the NICU. Not that I didn't love having everyone come see us - it meant so much to both Cody and me. But it just wasn't what I wanted it to be.

Then Saturday came and it was horrible. I was discharged from the hospital but Kaitlyn was not. Cody and I had to go sit through a discharge class and everyone there brought their baby but me. I had to fight back the tears the entire time. At the end of the class the nurse started to pass out the discharge forms for the babies. When I told her that my daughter was in NICU and wasn't being discharged she said really loudly, "Oh well then you can go ahead and go. You don't need to be here for this part." That's when I felt the tears really coming and there was nothing I could do to stop them. Cody and I had to walk all the way across the room to the door and it seemed like everyone's eyes were just glued to us. By the time I got to the hallway I just about lost it and broke into the horrible "ugly cry" as Oprah calls it. It just wasn't fair. All these parents got to take their babies home with them that day and we couldn't. I know that she was right where she needed to be and was getting the help she needed, but I just wanted to have her in my arms and at home. When we left the hospital it was by far the worst car ride of my life - and I cried the entire way home.

The next few days I was again running on autopilot. My body was sore and I was exhausted, but I made it up to the NICU for all the feedings that I could. I even went to church that Sunday - everyone there thought I was crazy for going, but they were doing Kaitlyn's rose presentation and I wasn't going to miss it. Plus I would just go crazy sitting at home.

Kaitlyn kept making progress and eventually we got the "rooming in" orders. That meant Cody and I would have to stay a night in a hospital room with Kaitlyn and she wouldn't be hooked up to any machines. We would have to chart her body temp, dirty diapers, and amount of food she was taking every three hours and report them to the nurse. If she did okay all night and morning we would get to go home with her. I don't think Cody or I slept for more than 10 mintues that night but Kaitlyn made it through the night like a champ and we were more than excited to get the discharge orders the next morning from the NICU doctor!!

C-section??? Tonight???

Wow - I cannot even begin to explain the last two weeks. I put a quick update on here, but I'll go into more detail now - now that I'm able to. I'll have to do it in parts though because there is so much to cover. Before I swear I was running on straight adrenaline. I honestly don't know how I got through some of what I did...my God is an awesome God let me tell you!

Cody and I had a scheduled sonogram last Wednesday. Actually, it was one we were going to have earlier, but I had to reschedule it because I needed to go to my "normal" doctor. Let me back up for a bit...some of you may not know this because, well, it just doesn't always come up into conversation. (And my mother is going to kill me for putting it up on my blog...she's still coming to terms with the whole sharing of information on the internet) :) I have what is called a bicornis uterus which means basically I have a heart shaped uterus instead of a normal one. Mine has two "horns" as the doctors say. This is something we didn't find out about until our first sonogram and the technician went, "Oh." I knew that wasn't the best thing for her to say and then I got the news. Basically I was told that the biggest problem with someone with my condition is getting pregnant. That explains why it took Cody and I so long after we started trying to get pregnant. I was also told that my uterus might not be able to stretch enough for full term baby and that I would most likely have a c-section. Naturally I was scared to death thinking I was going to lose my baby. My doctor referred me to a specialist to monitor Kaitlyn's growth (which is why I have so many sonogram pictures). Everything was normal the entire time and I thanked God after each sonogram that our little girl was doing great. The one we had done prior to this last one even showed that she was head down which meant I might be able to deliver her naturally and avoid the c-section. Then Wednesday, September 10th came...

I left school just a little bit early to make it to the appointment. I thought it would be no big deal and I was going to head up to church right after for the first night of children's choir. Cody met me up at the doctor's office and in no time we were in the sonogram room ready to see our little girl again. The technician was so very nice, but soon into the sonogram she got very quiet. She quickly printed out two pictures for us and then left to get the doctor. She was gone for quite a while and Cody and I were just talking about all the things left in the nursery we needed to do. I honestly just thought the technician was shy or just straight to the point...I didn't think anything was wrong right then. Then the doctor came in and without a hello or how are you he quickly told me, "Heather, your amniotic fluids are dangerously low and I need to get you to labor and delivery now. We need to have this baby today." I felt like someone had just punched me in the stomach. I didn't even have words to say. Cody quickly grabbed my hand and the doctor was explaining something to him about the cord possibly being wrapped around her if we didn't get her out soon, but at the point my ears were basically ringing and I was crying. I went numb all over and basically felt like I was in a bad dream. I was only one day shy of 35 weeks and I had just read that her lungs were not fully developed yet. How can they be telling me it was time to get her out?

They took us to some kind of stress test room and told us we could wait there until they got a hold of my regular doctor. By this time I was shaking all over. Cody and I both got on our phones and called our parents. I remember trying to act so calm and asking my mother to come get Darcy and bring my bag (that was not yet packed completely) up to the hospital. After that I called Beth from church and let her know that I would be able to come to children's choir that night...and I was suppose to bring cookies. Then I called my team and let them know I wouldn't be at work the next day. Cody and I continued to call friends and family to let them know what was going on...I felt as though I was on autopilot the whole time.

Soon after we were told that my doctor would not be able to come in that night, but to go ahead and go to labor and delivery. Since the specialist's office is at the hospital it wasn't too far, but it was raining so Cody went to get his truck and take me to the other side of the hospital. I sat down outside waiting for him and I just felt numb all over - I was going to have my baby today and she was going to be five weeks early. It still hadn't really hit me. Again, I felt as though I knew what was going on, but I hadn't really come to terms with it yet and my body was just going through the motions.

We got to labor and delivery and had to wait on registration which took what seemed like forever. By the time we checked in my mom was there with my bag and we were ready to go up to my room. In the room they told me to dress in the hospital gown and that they would come hook me up to monitors soon. As soon as they did I found out that I was actually having contractions...silly me thought Kaitlyn was just moving funny. I had even told Cody that she was making me feel tight in my stomach - yeah, shows how much I know! Then the doctor on call came in to talk to me. He told me I had two options. One, we could do a c-section that night, or two, we could wait until the morning and have me induced. I asked what each meant as a risk and he told me that neither one would be a risk for me, but that natural labor might cause Kaitlyn some stress because of the low amount of fluid, but there was no way to tell. That did it for me - c-section it was. As terrified as that made me there was no way I was going to risk anything happening to Kaitlyn. After Cody and I talked about it and agreed on having it we told the doctor and it was scheduled for 8:00 that night. By now it had to have been after 6:00, so I had some waiting ahead of me. Cody's mother was there by then and my dad came soon after. Cody's dad has a new job in Sherman so he was driving in, but made it before I went in for the surgery.

I ended up going back around 8:20. I remember being so scared that my legs were literally shaking the bed. They were going to do something called a spinal block instead of an epidural and Cody couldn't be in there with me for that. They opened the doors to the operating room and I felt like I was in a movie. The lights were so bright and the room seemed just huge to me. As soon as I sat down to get the spinal that Leona Lewis song came on the radio - the one that goes, "You cut me open." and "I keep bleeding." All I could do was laugh and I could hear Cody out in the hall saying, "You have to be kidding me." I told you I felt like I was in a movie and the soundtrack was just right! :) Almost instantly I couldn't feel anything from my chest down. They had to help me to the table and then Cody could come in. The nurses strapped my arms down and that's really when I think I started to panic, but I couldn't do anything about it. I could hear the doctor talking to me and I understood everything that was being said, but I couldn't talk at all. I was trying so hard to say something, but nothing would come out of my mouth. In my mind I thought I was going to be one of those cases where they gave the wrong amount of medicine and now I was going to be a vegetable for the rest of my life. But when they realized I wasn't answering they gave me some oxygen and then I could finally speak - although it was barely anything that made sense from what Cody told me.

The c-section was the weirdest experience of my entire life. I didn't feel one ounce of pain - no cutting or anything. But I did feel pressure and it was so very strange. I knew they were literally taking my insides out and I felt nothing but pressure. Then they told me they were going to push down on my to slide her down a bit more and that's when I felt the entire table move. It was beyond crazy. Soon after I heard the best sound ever - Kaitlyn was crying - and loudly! That meant she could breathe and I was overjoyed! I could sort of see them cleaning her up out of the corner of my eye, but as I tried to turn my head I just couldn't keep my eyes open. I caught a glimpse of Cody holding her in front of me, but again I was fighting harder than I ever fought before to stay awake. Then the NICU nurses took her back to the NICU and the nurse told me I could go to sleep...and I really don't remember too much until the next morning. I do remember saying something to my parents and Cody's parents when I got back to the room after a while and also when our music minister from church came up to check on me - I would know that voice anywhere! :) But the rest is all a blur. I think it was the combo of the medicine and the relief of all the stress I had balled up since that afternoon.

I am so thankful for all the doctors and nurses that helped with the c-section that night. Because of them I have the best thing that has ever happened to me!!

Here She Is!

Quick Update

As many of you already know Kaitlyn came a little earlier than expected. We went in for a sonogram on Wednesday and found our amniotic fluids were very low and we needed to have her that night. So we decided to have a c-section and get her out as soon as we could. She was born at 8:46 p.m. and weighed 5 pounds 7 ounces. She was 17 and a 1/2 inches long. She's just beautiful.

Kaitlyn is in the NICU now. She is breathing on her own which is such a blessing. She does have a feeding tube and an I.V., but is slowly but surely beginning to keep food down. We are going to try to feed her today at 2:00 with some milk I have pumped in the hospital room. Hopefully she'll keep up all the progress and get to come home soon. Cody and I are going home sometime today...well, being discharged anyway. We're going to take everything home and then come back up to be with our sweet little angel.

Thank you for all the support and prayers we have already received. Please continue to pray for all of Kaitlyn's doctors and nurses and their knowledge and help. Keep praying for Kaitlyn's recovery as well - she's a tough one!

I'll update more later. Just know that she's perfect!

As Shown

My parents bought us Kaitlyn's travel system - yay! We can now legally leave the hospital when the time comes! :) So Cody and my dad decided to put it together. The instructions kept saying do this..."as shown" and had some silly drawing to look at. Needless to say it took a little longer than everyone anticipated, but I sure got a kick out of it! :)






I love the last picture because you can see my mom trying to read the instructions, but my dad is still eyeing the stoller trying to figure it out. Classic.

The Power of Shoes

I remember having do to a speech in college on my beliefs. I still have it written somewhere around here... But that's not where I'm going with this. In that speech I had sappy parts and strong parts, but of course I tried to have some light hearted parts as well. I remember writing something along the lines of, "I believe in the power of shoes - whether they be glass slippers, ruby red slippers, or just a great pair of Old Navy flip flops." Now, I FIRMLY believe in the power of great tenny shoes. No doubt about it.

We were told this year that we could not wear flip flops to work anymore - and really, they aren't too professional, so I do see the point. But then again I teach kindergarten and get dirty and spend most of my day on the floor anyway (at least I did before I was almost nine months pregnant!) Well, my "dressy" sandals don't exactly fit right now, so I went out and bought some of the croc sandals - not the ugly garden looking shoes (sorry if that offends anyone) but the the ones that are two toned and have a little silver buckle type thing. Man, they were comfortable and I actually got some compliments on them. Only problem was by the end of the teaching day my ankles and feet looked like they belonged to an elephant. So much for that plan. The cute crocs will have to wait. I took some advice from a first grade teacher and wore a pair of tenny shoes the next day to work. My feet did not swell one bit! I was in heaven! So now, whatever I wear is topped off (or I guess technically bottomed off) with my snazzy tenny shoes. Nope, I don't look cute, and frankly sometimes it's a bit embarrassing, but you know what - at the end of the day I'm not swollen and that's really all that matters to me right now. :) And for anyone out there saying, "You can wear cute shoes, just stay off your feet and make the kids come to you." or anything along those line. I laugh at you - and in right in your face too. You come into a room full of 18 five year olds and teach effectively while not getting up and down all day. I dare you...

Birth Order and Relationships

I read this article on AOL about birth orders and your relationship...really it wasn't exactly an "article" but more of a mini-article type thing. Birth order has always fascinated me! I even did my junior theme on it! I thought the part about first borns, which would be me, and middle children, which would be Cody was very interesting...and actually pretty dead on. I've copied just those parts below.

The Firstborn Child
Typically, a first child grows up to be a conscientious and achievement-oriented adult who enjoys being in control and strives to please others. The idea is that when they were young, they had their parents all to themselves for a while, then lost that privilege. As a result, even as adults, they look for ways to gain back the undivided attention and approval they got used to receiving before their siblings came along. They're also often very organized and prefer to be in charge, which produces success in academics and career.

The good news for a firstborn when it comes to relationships, then, is that they're most likely reliable. You can count on them to be where they said they'd be, when they said they'd be there, and much of the guesswork of a relationship will be removed. The flip side of this, of course, is that they may need to work on being a bit more spontaneous and free-spirited. Also, a firstborn should be very aware of their potential tendency to try to maintain complete control when they interact with others; their relationships will benefit if they keep in mind the importance of compromise and collaboration.

The Middle Child
The middle child can often feel "squeezed out" by their siblings. The older sibling gets more responsibility and opportunities, while the younger sibling is the baby of the family and is thus coddled and adored. The good news is that middle children gets lots of practice at negotiating conflict, since they have to deal with it in both directions. Their flexibility and sociability means that they'll often end up being the kind of laid-back people that others like to be around. They also usually show strengths when it comes to compromise and coalition building.

As a result, a middle child often makes a very good romantic partner. Since middle children are the least likely to have been spoiled in any way, they're most likely willing to work hard to create a happy and meaningful relationship. One pitfall to watch out for, though, is the desire to avoid conflict, which middle children typically hate. They've experienced enough conflict and therefore do all that they can to steer clear of it. That, of course, is a dangerous inclination in a relationship, where it's often crucial that conflict be acknowledged and dealt with.

So far so good

The year is underway! I can't believe I've already made it through six days of school - man, the beginning of the year flies! I have the best class I've ever had this year! They all listen (as well as five year olds can) and are the smartest group coming in that I've had. I'm not at that "attached" state yet that I've gotten with all my other classes, but I know I will. I really think God was looking out for me this year knowing that I would have to be out on maternity leave.

I've also got an amazing new TA who is just wonderful! She's going to UTA at night and wants to be a teacher. She is great with the kids and picks up things so quickly which makes my job that much easier. I know I'll be leaving my class in good hands while I'm gone. I'm still stressed about making lesson plans for six weeks, but I'm not nearly as worried as I was before.

Here are some pictures of my room before the kids came in on day one. It will look a lot different by the end of the year when all the stations and such are up and running. :)