Rock Bottom with My Rock

This blog post has been a long time coming.  I knew it was going to come to be, I just wasn’t sure when.  I have felt God nudging me to do this so many times before, but I just kept putting it off. 

This morning, however, was one of those slap you in the face, I’m talking to you for goodness sakes kind of mornings.  So here I sit trying to find the right words.  

Today was graduation Sunday at church.  Cody and I have worked with the seniors for the past five years now.  Cody and I both felt that we were being called to work with the youth group, and we had decided to visit different departments to see where we felt we should be.  I can remember our very first time in the senior classroom.  Jeff Williams (who is the new mayor of Arlington now by the way - woohoo!) was directing with his wife Karen.  We talked a little bit before class and then Jeff introduced us with, “Cody and Heather Bush are with us today and they will be hanging out and helping us in our department for the rest of the year.”  

Well, okay - senior department it was.  :)

Cody and I ended up just helping out that year by filling in for teachers, helping with outreach, and just hanging out with the kids.  Then we ended up teaching small groups for a few years and I loved it!

Flash forward to this past August.  Cody and I were now in the directing spot.  It was going fine for the first few weeks, maybe even months, but then something starting tugging at my heart.  I just wasn’t sure that was the place I needed to be.  Cody, on the other hand, was having a blast and really connecting with the kids.

I continued to feel pulled away.  Meanwhile, Cody and I had some tension going on at home.  Don’t get me wrong, we’ve always argued.  That’s what happens when two stubborn people marry each other.  But it was a different kind of tension I wasn’t used to.  This time it was more.  

I finally felt the tugging as more of a shove to leave the senior department, so I tearfully emailed our youth minister, Kurt, late one night.  I told him that I was busy with church, but I wasn’t busy with God anymore.  The directing role had me doing all types of things for Sunday school, but I wasn’t teaching so I wasn’t in the word as much as I had been when I was preparing for lessons each week.  Plus something was feeling off with Cody, and I just needed time to work on me, my marriage, and my family.  I hated writing that email, but I knew if I waited another second, I wouldn’t have done it.  

Kurt’s response was one of love and understanding.  He told me he understood and that he supported me working on my family.  He also told me anytime I was ready to come back, the youth would welcome me with open arms.  

So, I had bowed out of youth, but where was I going to go?  I went back to the young marrieds’ class that Cody and I had been a part of before we started teaching youth.  It was very different.  Many of the couples we had been with were gone, and there were several new faces in the class.  I’m not a very social person by nature, so going to class by myself made me so uncomfortable.  Cody is the social butterfly in our marriage and I have always relied on him to break the ice in those situations.  This time it was all me.  I hated every single second of it, but at the same time I felt like I was exactly where I needed to be.  

Turns out I couldn’t have been more right.  

I began getting back to scripture and my quiet times.  I even went to a bible study with people my own age.  I felt renewed in so many ways.  I was getting back to where I had been before with Jesus.  

Good thing I did, because that’s when my marriage hit rock bottom.  

Cody and I had been arguing more and more and in ways that weren’t healthy.  The things we said to each other were just plain awful.  We had let stress get the best of us and our marriage was suffering.  

Mind you, our life had been turned upside down the year before.  Cody’s dad was diagnosed with cancer the previous summer and had past away the February after.  It rocked Cody’s world.  His dad was his best friend.  I have never been more proud of Cody than I was when his dad was in his last days.  He helped out his mother and family in so many ways.  Cody was on autopilot for weeks.  I was amazed at his strength.  

After the funeral, Cody was still very much on autopilot.  There was paperwork to be done, affairs to get in order, and Cody was handling them all with ease.  Again, I was so impressed with his strength.  

Eventually though, Cody came out of the autopilot setting and was very angry with what had happened.  The way he talked about what had happened the last few months sometimes took me back.  Cody has always been very laid back, and the anger I saw coming from him was not the Cody I knew.  

Now, please don’t think I’m saying everything was his fault.  I’ve met myself, so I know it’s not exactly a walk in the park to be married to my Type A controlling personality.  It’s tough on a good day to be married to me, so I can only imagine what it was like when you’re dealing with the loss of your best friend.  

Eventually, the fighting got to a point where it was just unhealthy and we decided to call it quits.  Every single day was a different battle about anything and everything.  It just seemed easier to part ways.  

Cody decided that he was going to sleep at his brother’s house while we figured out what our next step was.  I just couldn’t wrap the idea of him being gone around my brain, so I begged him to stay.  His brother, Caleb, already knew what was going on, so I texted him and asked him to come over since he had offered to talk to us both.  

Caleb came over that night and Cody was fuming that I had called him.  I didn’t know what else to do at that point.  Caleb talked with us in our living room as I cried my eyes out.  He told us that we needed to go to counseling (something that Cody had suggested, but I had not been on board with weeks before) and he also gave us this awesome book called Love and Respect to read.  He prayed with us and told us we needed to let him know when we were going to counseling as a way to stay accountable.  

I thought, this is it.  We’re going to be okay.  We can do this.

Then Caleb left and Cody’s first words were, “I can’t believe you did that.”  

Boom.  Another fight.  This fight ended with Cody saying he didn’t think counseling would help and that we were too far gone.  Pretty much the exact things I had said to him a few weeks before when he was trying to get me to go.  

Cody slept that night (and many nights after that) in his man cave.  I cried myself to sleep that night and many nights after that.  

Caleb also told us that we needed to tell at least one person what was going on so that people could be praying with us and keeping us accountable.  

I remember sitting in the parking lot of Starbucks the very next night bawling my eyes out to my best friend Leigh Anne.  I thought she was going to look at me differently.  I thought she was going to treat me like I was broken.  I should have known better.  We are best friends for a reason.  :)  

A lot happened after that, but way too much to put in one blog post.  I did end up telling five women in total - my mother-in-law, my sister-in-law, my best friends Leigh Anne and Nicole, and my sweet precious friend/mentor Jackie.  These women were my rocks.  They were there to pick me up when I was nothing.  They fed me scripture and love.  I never once felt judged or rejected by these precious women.  They prayed more for Cody and me than we deserved.  

I didn’t tell my mother at the time because I knew she would take my side.  That’s what mamas do.  I didn’t want to turn anyone against Cody.  I’m not saying my mother would have turned against him, but I was fearful of that happening.  I’m already sorry for the first boy who breaks Kaitlyn’s heart because once I get a hold of him....watch out!

Cody and I did end up going to counseling.  It was one of the scariest things I’ve done in my entire life.  Hey, lets pour out all our problems to a stranger who doesn’t know us at all.  He gave us homework to do, and it was some tough stuff.  Too much to explain in this post, but maybe another post will come with that info in the future.  

Y’all.  That time was bad.  It was down right awful.  I wasn’t sure if I was going to be divorced or married at Christmas.  But during that awful time, I was closer to God than I have ever been in my life.  I was already back in the routine of my quiet time and studying the word, so the transition was easy.  The devotional I was doing at the time was almost eerily too close to what I was going through.  

Had I not stepped back from the youth group when I did, I’m not sure my heart would have been ready for what life threw at me.  

God’s timing and discernment y’all.  There’s nothing better.

Cody and I ended up working through A LOT of stuff.  Some of the pain and stress was because of his dad, but we had a lot of other things to fix too.  

Is our marriage perfect now?  Not even close!  But we both are committed to being the best spouse we can be to each other and we know that takes work.  It takes being in the word.  It take commitment, time, love, prayer, submission, and so much more. 

As I said, our marriage is nowhere close to perfect right now, but it’s the best it’s ever been.  

I’ve shared our story with a few other people since it happened.  There are some girls that heard the short version at Humble Beginnings one night, but other than that, I don’t think too many people know.  I know Cody told some friends too, so I’m sure their wives know as well.  (We know how that works when the husband knows something and isn’t supposed to tell the wife, but always does.)

It’s so weird to me that Christians find it so hard to talk about marital problems.  It’s like this hush hush issue.  It’s like we’re supposed to be immune to the problems of the world.  

That is so very far from the truth.  I wish Christians would talk more openly about their problems all around.  We all know we have them, that’s the whole point of Jesus coming here.  We sin and are sinners.  Why do we always pretend we have everything together in front of everyone when really we need fellowship and accountability?

That’s not to say I think you should go out and bash your spouse if you’re having problems to just anyone.  I was very selective with the people I told.  I knew the people who I was confiding in would always love Cody and me and would not take sides.  I never wanted to turn anyone against him and can I just say, I pretty much have the best friends in the world because they loved Cody and prayed for Cody just as much as they loved and prayed for me.  

Now, what does all that have to do with graduation Sunday today?  I promise I’m getting to it.  

After all the grads had been announced, Dr. Wiles started his sermon.  What do you think he talked about on graduation Sunday?  Direction in your life?  Following God’s will?  Nope.

Marriage.  

He preached on marriage y’all.  Can you say hi to the full circle in my life?

Dr. Wiles even used the passage of scripture that saved my marriage.  It was the one that the book Caleb had given us was about.  

Ephesians 5:33 says, “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

Do you just ever feel a giant hug from God when He reveals himself in the smallest or biggest of ways? 

So, even though I have not been directing for this semester, I went to the youth building after the service for the celebration of seniors.  It’s my favorite day. All the parents come and some of the seniors get to give speeches or perform.  It’s just a sweet, sweet time of celebrating.  

Tracey Cook, who also knew about our situation and has loved on me during the rough times, introduced the leadership team.  She said my name when she listed directors.  I didn’t deserve that one bit as I haven’t done any directing at all lately.  But in that moment, Jeff’s face popped into my brain and I remember him basically stating we were going to be in seniors whether we knew it or not.  I knew I was ready to come back to youth.  I will have to see where I’m needed, but when the new school year starts in August, I will be ready to serve.  

I’m thankful for God for allowing me to step back at just the right time.  I’m thankful for the people in my life who poured into me and my marriage.  I’m thankful for my incredible husband who stuck with me during one of the darkest times of our life.  I’m thankful for a God who loves me enough to stay with me and draw me close when I needed Him most.  

I’m just so thankful y’all.  

I’m not sharing this to say, “Look at us.  We are so good!”  I’m sharing this because maybe, just maybe, someone needs to read these words today and know that it’s normal to struggle.  Struggling doesn’t mean you have to give up.  There is always hope.  If someone wants to judge Cody, me, or the both of us, I really don’t care.  In the words of my hot husband, “Let people think what they think.”