Help Me Find It

Tonight as I was driving home from Target (yes Target - that store has a crazy magic spell on me) I literally had to pull my car over on the side of the road because I couldn't drive anymore.  I felt like a crazy lady who just couldn't control herself...okay, so I kind of was.

A song from my playlist came on - "Help Me Find It" by Sidewalk Prophets.  I've loved this song from the first time I heard it.  I even included it in the senior slide show for our graduates at church this year.  It's just a great song.  But this time when I was listening to it, someone in my life came to mind.

This girl.

That's Maggie and she's amazing.

I met Maggie two years ago when she was my student teacher.  I wasn't exactly pumped about having a student teacher.  I tried to have one two years before that, but lets just say she wasn't where she needed to be and was asked to leave after two weeks.  After lots of convincing from my vice principal, I agreed to try one again.  I knew after talking with Maggie for 5 minutes this was going to be a great experience.

Maggie was a natural in the classroom.  She started building relationships from day one and that is so key.  She could break through to the soft spots of even the hardest kiddos.  The hardest part of my job as her mentor each week was trying to come up with something for her to improve on in her reflection we had to submit to her professor.

She was great.

But she didn't want to be a teacher.

She was already the children's minister at her church and was student teaching to finish her degree, but she had no plans to actually teach in public schools.  I respected what she was doing, but was a little sad that someone as great as Maggie wasn't going to be in the classroom.

Maggie completed her student teaching, graduated, and went back to her job at her church.

Then sometime last year, God put it on her heart to become a teacher.  I can't say that I didn't smile a REALLY big smile when she told me.

But her journey to getting her own classroom was not easy.  It took lots of faith, patience, and listening to God.  Maggie was comfortable where she was.  She was good at her job and the people she worked with loved her.  (You can't not love her!)

But she was faithful to the unrest that God put in her heart.  Even when it meant upsetting others.  Even when it took her to another country to explore that as an option.  (Yep!)  Even when others tried to talk her out of it - Maggie was faithful.

Maggie stepped out on faith and told her church she was going to be a teacher - even before she had a job lined up.  Then she once again was patient.  It was not a fun and easy journey at all.  But now Maggie has a job....teaching first grade.  My heart is selfishly a little happier that it's first grade!  ;)

I am so stinking proud of this girl and how she truly listened to God, even when her head was saying, "Are you kidding me?"

So back to the song - I listened to the words tonight and thought about Maggie's journey.  Never have I seen first hand someone handle such a hard journey without hesitation or fear.  It was simply beautiful.  So of course I cried like a sobbing ninny thinking about it and how faithful God had been when his child obeyed.

Maggie - you have some amazingly lucky first graders that have no clue just how hard their teacher worked to get to them this year!  I love you!!!

"Help Me Find It"

I don’t know where to go from here
It all used to seem so clear
I’m finding I can’t do this on my own

I don’t know where to go from here
As long as I know that You are near
I’m done fighting
I’m finally letting go

I will trust in You
You’ve never failed before
I will trust in You

If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Whatever Your will
Can you help me find it
Can you help me find it

I’m giving You fear and You give faith
I'm giving you doubt
You give me grace
For every step I’ve never been alone

Even when it hurts, You’ll have Your way
Even in the valley I will say
With every breath
You’ve never let me go

I will wait for You
You’ve never failed before
I will wait for You

I lift my empty hands (come fill me up again)
Have Your way my King (I give my all to You)
I lift my eyes again (Was blind but now I see)
‘Cause You are all I need

Healer

I'm trying so very hard to cling to the truth today that nothing is impossible with God.

I love the song Healer by Hillsong.  These words have been going through my head and heart all last night and this morning.

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in You
I trust in You

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

More details will come later, but right now I just ask that anyone reading this please pray for my family.

My Hope is Built on Nothing Less

I think someone in the preschool department of our church goofed up because we somehow have a letter on our fridge that says Kaitlyn's class will start going to what we call "big church" this Fall.  Ummm....I'm sorry, but I think it was just last Sunday that I was dropping her off in the baby room.  How did this happen??

One of the suggestions in the letter was to bring her to watch the worship part of the service before taking her to Sunday school.  Her Uncle Caleb and Mackenzie (one of our family's favorite people ever) were leading worship today, so today seemed like a perfect day to start the transition into "big church."

Here she is before the service started.  :)

So we went and it was great.  K thinks her Uncle Caleb hung the moon - and you know what?  She should.  I kind of do too.

You see, Caleb actually interviewed for the job of contemporary worship leader at our church almost a year ago.  It came down to two people - Caleb and the guy who ended up with the job.  As a family we were devastated for him.  It was exactly the job he wanted to do and it seemed like everything was falling into place at just the right time, but in the end he didn't get the job.

I'll never forget the exact moment I found out too.  It was when I knew the decision was down to two people.  I was currently on a search team for an assistant youth minister position at our church and during one of the last rounds of interviews our youth pastor said something along the lines of, "There's another young man coming on staff and he and his wife will be moving here..." About that time I'm pretty sure his voice sounded a bit like the teacher from The Peanuts cartoon because I knew it couldn't be Caleb because he didn't have a wife.  I had to fight back tears and tried to act like nothing was wrong, but all I could think about was Caleb's dream job going to someone else.  His heart was going to be broken.

And it was.  I hated hearing my husband trying to encourage him on the phone the day Caleb called to tell him he didn't get the job.  I hated knowing he was hurt and I hated seeing my husband hurt because his brother was hurting and there was nothing he could do to fix it.

But here's where the story gets amazing - at least to me anyway.

Not too many Sundays later, Caleb was up on stage at our church - not as the worship leader, but as another guitar player.  I think I need to add that Caleb had recently graduated college, so he wasn't a member of our church yet, and for sure had not been there as a musician before.  But he's been up there several Sundays since then.  He helps sing harmonies, he leads every now and then, and he helps out with the college worship on Wednesdays nights as well.  He also spent a week helping lead Children's Camp.  Caleb doesn't get paid for any of it.  He volunteers his time.  He goes to practices after he's worked a full day at his current job.  I would also add that the guy that did get the job is super talented too and does a wonderful job.  

Today I had to stop singing one of the songs because I was seriously in awe of my brother-in-law.  He was singing, "Cornerstone" which happened to be one of the songs he played for his last round of the job interview.  I watched him up there on the stage and didn't see him perform it - I saw him worship - truly worship.

To him it didn't matter that he doesn't have the job title.  He was worshiping and helping others worship.  It's an amazing gift that he was given.  Most people that got turned down for a job wouldn't go back and volunteer their time.  I'm not even sure that I would.  But Caleb put aside his pride and his hurt for a higher purpose.

I cannot count the number of people that came up to me today and told me how much they loved seeing Caleb up there.  He truly does have a wonderful talent and he uses it to honor God.  The words Caleb sang today aren't just words to a song that he sings on Sundays or Wednesdays every now and then - he truly lives out the words each day, and I couldn't be prouder to be his sister-in-law.

"Cornerstone"
My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly trust in Jesus name

Christ alone; cornerstone
Weak made strong; in the Saviour's love
Through the storm, He is Lord
Lord of all

When Darkness seems to hide His face
I rest on His unchanging grace
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil
My anchor holds within the veil

Christ alone; cornerstone
Weak made strong; in the Saviour's love
Through the storm, He is Lord
Lord of all
He is Lord
Lord of all

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found;
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless stand before the throne.   
 
Christ alone; cornerstone
Weak made strong; in the Saviour's love
Through the storm, He is Lord
Lord of all
He is Lord
Lord of all

Nothing to Something

Day 2 of She Reads Truth says this:

The Lord God takes the most basic thing of all – the dust of the earth – and he transforms it with the breath of his mouth and the touch of his glory and he makes it after His own image. Perfect. Complete.

Sisters, do you feel dry today? Do you feel ordinary, outcast, or rejected? Do you know that the same Lord God of power and perfection who breathed life into Adam and into that pile of dry bones can breathe new life into you? Do you know that this same God seeks out the despised and small and it is they that he chooses? It is they that He will exalt.

And he will make them – he will make you – perfect. Complete.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:The old has gone, the new is here!” 1 Cor 5:17

 Too often I let voices tell me that I'm not good enough to fulfill work for God.  Sure, I can teach but am I truly giving my all?  Am I making a different for the kingdom of God?  Am I a good enough mother and wife?  Am I encouraging others the way God wants me to?  I HATE those doubts that pop up so many times each day.  

What I NEED to do is rely on God.  He can take someone like me and make His purpose perfect through me.  That's hard for me though.  It's hard for me to let go of control of things - just ask my husband!  ;)

So, in true New Year's fashion - out with the old and in with the new!  

Fresh Start

My friend Leigh Anne posted a picture to Instagram at the end of December that explained a website called shereadstruth.com It's a website that is trying to bring women together by reading truths from the bible and reflecting on them as a community. 

Please and thank you!

If you want to check it out, click on the button that is posted on the top right of my blog.  :)

So, I have been reading the posts, but haven't yet written my reflections in the blog world.  Let's be honest - I'm terrible at actually keeping up things that have more than a week of "assignments."  I don't think I've ever actually finished a monthly photo challenge, month of thankfulness, etc.  But I'll write when I can.  That's all I can promise.  :)

So Day 1 was about Fresh Starts....fitting for the new year of course.  :)  The readings made me think of the last sermon of the year that my pastor preached.  It was one of my favorites.  I'll get more to it later.

Here is a part from Day 1 of She Reads Truth:

And knowing all of that – knowing that He was creating the plants and yielding the seeds that would one day be his cross, that the beasts of the fields would need to be used as sacrifices for His people – knowing this then, the Author and Creator saw it all and called it good.
But why? It may seem trite to say, but the answer is love. He made the world perfect knowing that it would become imperfect and that He would make it new again. And hard as it may be to believe, He did it for the process. God had the power to skip right to the end, or to never create the world to begin with. But he did create it, and he did it to show Himself to us, that we might know Him. That we might know the breadth and length and height and depth of his love for us (Eph 3:18); that we might experience His grace.

God doesn't need us, but He wants us.  Isn't that amazing?

Now, back to the sermon.  The sermon from my pastor was about 1 Peter 1:3-12.  We talked about refining. God sometimes puts "fire' in our lives to refine us.  God will not simply leave us alone.  We have two choices in responding - we can either be refined by the heat or burned by it.

I think the first response can sometimes be the hardest.  Sure, waiting on a job, the right guy to come along, etc. can be tough to wait on and some might consider that a "fire."  But what my mind keeps going back to is all the parents who lost their precious children on December 14th at Sandy Hook.  Believing that God can use that takes real faith.  As a mother, I think my natural reaction would be to become angry and cold, but that's not what the Word teaches us to do.  I'm not sure how long it would take me to come to that realization if I was coming home to an empty bed where my child used to sleep each day.

I still firmly believe that what happened that day was NOT God's will, but I also believe that God can use it.  I'm not sure how just yet, but I know He is bigger than all that hurt and pain.

She Reads Truth concluded with this on Day 1:

What will be your response today, sisters? Will you find comfort (even joy!) in the cradle of the Almighty’s hand? Will you rest in the hope that He will restore creation – that He will restore you? The newness came and it was glorious, and it is coming again!

“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation [that’s a promise]. But take heart; I have overcome the world [and so is that!].” (John 16:33, ESV, emphasis added)

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8,9, ESV)

The Voice of Truth

I've tried so many times to start this post.  I honestly just don't think any words right now will be enough.  With that said, I know whatever I end up writing won't even get close to what I'm trying to express, but I'm doing it anyway.

Yesterday rocked me to the core - as a mother, as a teacher, and quite simply as a human being.  It was like my worst fears from every aspect of my life came true in another town and classroom.  I still cannot wrap my mind around it.  If I'm honest with myself, I'm not sure I want to get to that point.

I had an unique experience with the news yesterday in that I didn't work a full day.  K had her Christmas program at school, so I took the morning off.  As I was driving back to work Cody called me and told me the news.  Immediately I went numb.  Of course any shooting that you hear of will sadden you, but a school?  When he said elementary school, I had to ask him to repeat himself because surely I heard it wrong.  I was just dumbfounded.

I pulled into the parking lot at my school and just sat in my car for a minute.  My kids were at lunch and I had a little while before I had to pick them up.  I've learned over the years that one of the hardest parts of being a teacher is trying to put on a happy face when something terrible has happened.  My first year teaching was the year Katrina hit New Orleans, and trust me I had some hard questions coming from sweet kinder kiddos.  We even had three evacuees that came and joined our class that year.  Those three kids taught me a lot and I am thankful they were in my classroom that year.  It made me a better teacher.  I learned quickly that academics are important, but helping kids to fill loved is an even greater responsibility. 

But as I walked into my school a different kind of sadness came over me.  All I could think about were those parents getting those phone calls.  I was imagining moms at home thinking their child was safe in a classroom and then dropping the phone once they learned the news.  I imagined other parents at work in an office going about their day and then having the world stop.  My heart was heavy knowing the pain they were going through.

As I walked to the cafeteria to pick up my students and saw a lunchroom of innocent children, my eyes started to tear up.  I knew I had to pull it together for the sake of the kiddos, but my goodness it was hard.  I looked into the faces of each one of my students and my heart just ached for those who had just lost their life.  I kept thinking, how could someone do this?  How?  Beautiful, innocent children...

We went back to the room and carried on as usual, although my mind was a million miles away.  We had library at 1:00 and when we arrived, the librarian had a news report on her computer (not to where the kids could see, but I go behind the desk to check in their books).  As I read the report of it now being 20 kids I thought to myself - that's my whole class.  20 kids.  20 parents that will never get to hold their precious child again.  20 empty beds.  20 futures just gone.  How?  Why?

I looked at the carpet where my students were sitting listening to Jack and the Beanstalk.  I looked at their smiles when something funny happened.  Then for whatever reason my mind went to their parents' faces and then the tears really started coming.  I had to get up and leave for just a few minutes.  I went back to my empty classroom and cried a bit and prayed.  I didn't know how to pray or what to pray for - I just asked God for peace knowing that will not come any time soon for those families, students, teachers, and community.

The next thing that happened some people might not believe, but I honestly don't care if they do or not.  I know what happened and my kids know what happened, and quite honestly I am still in awe of it.  I debated whether or not to tell anyone or even write this, but I'm doing it anyway.

When we got back to the room after a while we started up our word work groups.  This means one group of kids is with me at my small group table, while the rest of the kids are in their groups working on various spelling tasks.  One of our classroom ipads was on my presentation cart.  The kids use it for various games and activities, and I also use it for a timer and I play music from Pandora during independent writing time.  Lately we have been listening to Christmas piano music.  As I was working with my group, my mind began to wander again.  I was still so sad thinking of how it happened, what the students in the other classrooms must have heard and felt, what those poor parents were going through, and also how anyone could do such an awful thing.  I literally had so much going on in my mind that I was having a hard time teaching my small group.  I looked up at my students all working at their tables and all of a sudden, with no kids around it, the ipad came on and started playing, "The Voice of Truth." by Casting Crowns.  All my kids were in their seats, and I still have no idea how it turned on and they were just as surprised as I was.  When I got up to look at the ipad, Pandora had been opened and it said it was on quick mix.  I would never play Christian songs in my room for obvious reasons, so the fact that it picked that song was just a fluke thing.  Or maybe it wasn't.  All I know is it was exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment.  Yes, there is evil in this world.  Yes, there is hurt, pain, and so many unanswered questions, but there is also the voice of truth and that's what I need to remember.  As I said, I know this is hard to believe, but all I know is that it really happened.

Do I think the tragedy that happened yesterday was part of God's plan?  No - not for one single second.  Yesterday happened because of a man that had no hope.  Do I think yesterday happened because we have too many guns?  Nope.  As one of my friends put on facebook yesterday, crazy will always find a way.  If not guns, it would have been something else.  There are plenty of children that are killed by drunk drivers, but we're not going to take away alcohol and cars are we?  People who follow the rules will keep doing so, and those who don't will keep breaking them.  Changing laws will not change the bad guys.

So, as sad as it sounds I am not finding comfort in anything on this world.  Not in people, not in events, not in anything.  My hope is found out of this world.  The voice of truth to me is that one day we will be in Heaven and there will be no more pain, tears, or sorrow.  God never said this life would be an easy one, and free will is a scary, scary thing.  But I lean on the voice of truth and the only thing that gives me true comfort is that.

Dismissal yesterday was different.  I walked outside and was taking in how parents were hugging their kids a little longer.  I spoke with a mom of one of my students and she could barely get words out.  Yesterday changed me as a mother and a teacher.  I can't even imagine how those teachers in Connecticut go on with the rest of the school year.  How can they step back into that school and teach students?  I have no idea how those students can go back in that school knowing what happened there.  I can only imagine the nightmares that are about to come.  My heart hurts for those parents who were anticipating the joys of Christmas morning and now will be left with a void.  My heart hurts for the siblings who have lost a part of themselves.  I pray for the whole community - I pray that somehow, someday, they find peace and the voice of truth.


But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Proverbs 31 Wife

What woman doesn't want to be a Proverbs 31 wife?  We hear it all the time, and it sounds good in theory doesn't it?

But guess what?  It's hard.  Plain and simple.

Of course trying to be "perfect" at anything is hard.  That's why I just can't do it.  I've come to accept that.

But just because I can't have perfection doesn't mean I can't give it all I've got.  I've read lots of things about being a Proverbs 31 woman, and honestly I didn't like all of them.  Some made me feel guilty about what I know is my true calling in life - teaching.

Then I came across this book.

Now this is what I had been looking for!!!  I knew after the first few pages this was the book for me.  I immediately related to the author, Sara Horn, on so many levels, and I'm convinced we would be great friends if we ever did meet.  :)

Here's a passage that literally had me laughing aloud (which also got me a goofy look from the hubs):

Who doesn't want her kids to like her so much they bless her or actually pay her a compliment?  Who doesn't want her husband praising her and going on and on about how great the house looks and how good dinner was?  

I felt antsy about this topic, so I did what I always do when I'm stressed.  I cleaned.  The kitchen was a wreck, with papers and odds and ends from my son's first week of the school year all thrown haphazardly onto the counter.  The sink sat full of dishes, and the stovetop hadn't been cleaned in days and stains around the burner had lingered for weeks and weeks.  My husband is a great cook, much better than I am, but not so great at cleaning.  I'm good at cleaning, just not so good at making time for it.  

As I put some things away, I noticed the messy pantry, not to be outdone by the similarly disorganized fridge, so I spent about two hours reorganizing everything.  I pulled things out, I put things back.  I tossed old veggies that were past their prime.  I moved cake-and-cookie decorating stuff out of drawers and into a nearby closet, since I don't use them very often.

I cannot tell you the number of times I have done just that when I'm frustrated about the kind of wife and mother I am.  My kitchen cabinets have been organized so many times due to that exact stress.

The book goes on about how Horn tries for a year to be the best Proverbs 31 wife she can be.  It's funny, sad, and to me - all together amazing.  Horn is so real in her experiences and doesn't leave out the hard times.

This was by far the best book I've read in a long time, and one that has honestly changed my life.  It's also a quick read, well, for me it was.  I couldn't put it down and finished it in less than 12 hours.  I've noticed my attitude has changed and I'm more reflective of the type of wife and mother I am.  I'm letting some things go and stepping up in other areas - because my family is worth it.

I highly recommend all wives to read this book!

There's also a Proverbs 31 Wife blog that Horn has.  Check it out here.

To See or Not To See...Not Really a Question (Anymore)

Girls' Nights are some of my favorite times - hands down. I have a blast with my girlfriends and we've done everything from traveling to other cities, taking goofy pictures, and having a range of talks about anything and everything. I love my girl time and I wouldn't change it for the world.

Tonight is one of those nights and I'm pumped. The plans are to catch dinner and then a movie. Your pretty basic GNO.

Except I got this really uneasy feeling about this one because of two words:

Magic Mike

Yep - that's the plan. Dinner and then head to a movie - a specific movie. Magic Mike.

For those of you that have been under a rock, this movie is about stripping. Male stripping to be exact.

Honestly when I first saw previews for it my mind went - "Heck yes I'm going to see that! Hello! Matthew McConaughey? Channing Tatum?" What girl wouldn't want to see that on the big screen?

(Hmmm...Proverbs 31 going through anyone else's mind right now?)

So as the plans were made I told Cody that the girls and I were going to catch dinner and a movie. He asked a simple question - "What movie?"

For some reason I didn't want to tell him. (Red flag anyone?) If I was ashamed to tell my husband why should I even be considering it?

So I told him. And as soon as I did I noticed a drop in his face. Not anger- and I'm not even sure it was disappointment. It was just different and it broke my heart. I right away asked him if he was okay with my going. His response was, "Would you want me to go see a movie about girl strippers?"

Ouch.

I wanted to scream, "It's so different! It's guys not girls - they can't show as much with just a R rating." But guess what? It's not different. As much I want it to be it's not.

Can anyone say double standard?

ME! Double standard!

Who am I to say I don't want my husband to watch that type of movie and then turn around and watch it myself? Not cool Heather, not cool.

But, Cody said he was fine with me going and I texted my girlfriends back, said I was in, and then purchased my ticket online because it is, after all, the first day it's been open and I wouldn't want the disappointment of missing out.

But God wrestled with my heart all night and all morning. It just didn't seem alright with me. I even got a text this morning from another girlfriend saying she was in need of a GNO soon and I told her she could join us tonight. My text actually said, "We're going to see an inappropriate movie."

Wait right there. I called it inappropriate and was still okay going to see it?

Is that the kind of woman I want to be? The kind of wife I want to be? The kind of mother I want to be?

No. It's not.

I knew what I had to do. And that is not go. I have every reason in the world to want to go. Great friends, the okay from the hubby, and McConaughey/Tatum. What's not to love?

How about the feeling in my gut that it is just wrong?

Now I realize to some this is going to sound "judgy" and that's not my intention at all. In no way do I think people seeing this movie is going to make people horrible. I just know my own weaknesses and I'm not willing to give myself a foothold.

How can I sit in a Sunday school room and ask girls that are seniors in high school to dress appropriately so the guys aren't tempted, and then turn around and watch something that I know will tempt me?

How can I be a mom trying to raise my daughter to know what a godly woman is and then turn around and act in a way that I know is not godly?

How can I be a wife trying to honor my husband if I'm going to go watch other men take off their clothes?

I know I'm not perfect, and I don't pretend to be. But I do want to be intentional about my choices. It was just Wednesday night when I heard a message about loving Jesus and being a Christian when it's easy and convenient, but being a completely different person the rest of the time. I can't continue to say I'm one way and then act another just because it's fun.

Do I sound like a bible thumping crazy extremist Christian? Probably. And people are probably going to make fun of me. Luckily for me it's not my girlfriends though, because when I told them why I couldn't go to the movie they were all supportive. Told you my friends were awesome.   :)

I'm so thankful that they stick with someone as crazy as me!

Thankful

Wow.

That's honestly the only word I know that can describe how this weekend was for me. Scratch that - how this entire school year has been for me.

But let's start at the beginning.

I didn't grow up in church like most of my friends did. I went when I was very little and then when I was around three, for various reasons my parents stopped going. I picked back up again when I was in sixth grade when I started going to church with my friend Casee. From then on I would either go with her or talk my grandmother into coming over and taking me on Sunday mornings. Still, I didn't know a great deal about God, but the desire was there. I explained it to my husband this weekend as me having this huge empty void in my life and knowing that I had the capacity to love someone so much and it ate at me every single night as I went to bed. As a young girl I stupidly thought that feeling was meant for a boyfriend that I didn't have yet. But one night at a youth rally, I was saved and that feeling was never there again. God had made a home in my heart and I've forever been changed.

In high school, I drove myself to youth group and learned a lot more about the bible and about God. Then in college my relationship with God was even more solidified and I began dating a godly man who would later become my husband. Through a journey of trying out several area churches, we eventually ended up at First Baptist Arlington. That was probably one of the best decisions of our life.

We joined choir and a young marrieds sunday school class and began to build relationships in both groups. I have had mentors from both of those groups who helped shape me into a better wife and mother, and I know they will be people I will look up to for the rest of my life.

Then last year Cody and I felt the call to work with the youth - and that's when everything changed.

It was funny the first time we talked about it with each other because it seemed that God had been placing it on both of our hearts for a very long time, but we weren't talking to each other about it. We prayed more about it and decided to take the plunge last January when the new school semester started. Kurt (our youth minister) told us to just hang out in each department until we felt comfortable. We started with seniors because we had some friends that were already teacher there, but when we were introduced the director said, "This is Cody and Heather Bush and they will be with us for the rest of the year."

Okay - seniors it was.

I loved that group. There were so many young leaders and so many kids that loved God. They were awesome. We didn't teach yet, but helped out with events and just got to love on those kids and I am so glad we were where we were. We helped out at youth camp which was amazing too, but then the next school year was coming up and we were asked to teach.

This is when I started getting nervous. I can teach five and six year olds in my sleep. I'm good at it and I know it. Seventeen and eighteen year olds? That was a different story. I just felt as if I didn't have the talent to teach that age. I was scared to death the first Sunday we taught them. But then they started talking. :)

Now, I am not going to say that Cody and I haven't had some lessons that bombed because we have...at least in my eyes they have. But those kids have changed me. I love them plain and simple. I find myself each day at work, in my car, at home praying for them and their future. Some of them I even think of as little sisters now. And the funny thing is when I think I'm going to teach them something on Sundays, I go away being taught so much more than I would have thought.

Enter in this past weekend - Wakeup Weekend.

As I said before - wow. I saw God move in those kids' lives like I've never seen. I saw raw and powerful worship. I saw walls being broken down and students give control back to God. I was even blessed to see one of the seniors begin his life with Christ. God. Was. Moving. I have never been so humbled and honored to be in the presence of this group.

And if I were to be honest with myself, I've learned so much more about God this past year than I have in my entire life. He has changed my heart about so many things and made me uncomfortable but with good reasons. I know God put these seniors in my life to help me and I cannot thank Him enough for them. I am so proud of them and who they are becoming in Him.

But I also know May is coming and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that. I get attached to my first grade students each year and hate to see them go, but with this group it's so much more. But for now, all I know is that I am so thankful for what God is doing in their lives and mine.

Our God is so good!!!

These Things Take Time

I often ask God to speak to me through music, and honestly I think sometimes He does. I know that sounds crazy, but sometimes it's just too coincidental for it not to be God. I also think sometimes when He does this He has a sense of humor (as was the case when I heard Bleeding Love come on the nurses' radio right as my c-section was starting) or sometimes He humbles me.

Today, however, God comforted me through song. Clint's death has made my heart so heavy and had me questioning so much. This morning as I was getting in the car to drive K and I to one of my student's soccer games I opened up Pandora on my iphone and plugged it into my car speakers. I asked God aloud to speak to me through a song. And boy did He. He did so with the very first song friends - the very first song. It was a song I had never heard before. I knew the group, but had never heard the song.

It started....

"I wanna know why pain makes me stronger
I wanna know why good men die."

Okay, God. You heard my cries and now I know You're speaking to me.

"Why am I so afraid of the dark?
But I stray from the light

I wanna know why you gave me eyes
When faith is how I see
And tell me
Is it easier to doubt
Or harder to believe?

Oh there’s so many questions stirring in me

And I wonder why
Sometimes the truth ain’t easy to find
I wanna know all the answers
But I’m learning that
These things take time
Yeah, these things take time

How could success make us feel like failures?
And the harder we fall the harder we try
The more I have the more I need
Just to feel like I’m getting by

Oh, there’s so many questions and one short life

And I wonder why
Sometimes the truth ain’t easy to find
I wanna know all the answers
But I’m learning that
These things take time
Yeah, these things take time

And we spend so much time
Chasing our tails, hoping to find
Every last answer
To everything in life

So many questions
Not enough time

But I’m still
Wondering why
Sometimes the truth ain’t easy to find
I wanna know all the answers
But I’m learning that
These things take time
Yeah, these things take time

We all wanna understand why
Evil lives and good men die
On the way to Heaven the truth unwinds
These things take time
These things take time
Yeah, these things take time"


Wow. Seriously - just wow. Thank you Lord. I know those weren't "Your words" exactly, but they were they words I needed to hear about You right at the right time.

This song honestly wasn't musically the greatest, but the words were awesome and just what I needed to hear.

And in case He thought I needed more words the very next song was "If We've Ever Needed You". That's why I believe - I couldn't even script the way God moves sometimes. He is amazing.

Here are the words to that song:

Hear our cry, Lord, we pray
Our faces down, our hands are raised
You called us out, we turned away
We've turned away

With shipwrecked faith the idols rise
We do what is right in our own eyes
Our children now will pay the price
We need Your light, Lord, shine Your light

If we've ever needed You
Lord, it's now, Lord, it's now
We are desperate for Your hand
We're reaching out, we're reaching out

All our hearts, all our strength
With all our minds, we're at Your feet
May Your kingdom come in our hearts and lives
Let Your church arise, let Your church arise

If we've ever needed You
Lord, it's now, Lord, it's now
We are desperate for Your hand
We're reaching out, we're reaching out
We're reaching out



I am so very thankful that there are people who have the gift of putting God's message in better words than I ever could. Songs like these continue to be a blessing in my life.

I will continue to pray for my sweet church family. There are many people hurting right now and will be hurting for a long time. There are also just so many questions, but I am thankful that we serve a God who is bigger than all our pain and doubt.