The Voice of Truth

I've tried so many times to start this post.  I honestly just don't think any words right now will be enough.  With that said, I know whatever I end up writing won't even get close to what I'm trying to express, but I'm doing it anyway.

Yesterday rocked me to the core - as a mother, as a teacher, and quite simply as a human being.  It was like my worst fears from every aspect of my life came true in another town and classroom.  I still cannot wrap my mind around it.  If I'm honest with myself, I'm not sure I want to get to that point.

I had an unique experience with the news yesterday in that I didn't work a full day.  K had her Christmas program at school, so I took the morning off.  As I was driving back to work Cody called me and told me the news.  Immediately I went numb.  Of course any shooting that you hear of will sadden you, but a school?  When he said elementary school, I had to ask him to repeat himself because surely I heard it wrong.  I was just dumbfounded.

I pulled into the parking lot at my school and just sat in my car for a minute.  My kids were at lunch and I had a little while before I had to pick them up.  I've learned over the years that one of the hardest parts of being a teacher is trying to put on a happy face when something terrible has happened.  My first year teaching was the year Katrina hit New Orleans, and trust me I had some hard questions coming from sweet kinder kiddos.  We even had three evacuees that came and joined our class that year.  Those three kids taught me a lot and I am thankful they were in my classroom that year.  It made me a better teacher.  I learned quickly that academics are important, but helping kids to fill loved is an even greater responsibility. 

But as I walked into my school a different kind of sadness came over me.  All I could think about were those parents getting those phone calls.  I was imagining moms at home thinking their child was safe in a classroom and then dropping the phone once they learned the news.  I imagined other parents at work in an office going about their day and then having the world stop.  My heart was heavy knowing the pain they were going through.

As I walked to the cafeteria to pick up my students and saw a lunchroom of innocent children, my eyes started to tear up.  I knew I had to pull it together for the sake of the kiddos, but my goodness it was hard.  I looked into the faces of each one of my students and my heart just ached for those who had just lost their life.  I kept thinking, how could someone do this?  How?  Beautiful, innocent children...

We went back to the room and carried on as usual, although my mind was a million miles away.  We had library at 1:00 and when we arrived, the librarian had a news report on her computer (not to where the kids could see, but I go behind the desk to check in their books).  As I read the report of it now being 20 kids I thought to myself - that's my whole class.  20 kids.  20 parents that will never get to hold their precious child again.  20 empty beds.  20 futures just gone.  How?  Why?

I looked at the carpet where my students were sitting listening to Jack and the Beanstalk.  I looked at their smiles when something funny happened.  Then for whatever reason my mind went to their parents' faces and then the tears really started coming.  I had to get up and leave for just a few minutes.  I went back to my empty classroom and cried a bit and prayed.  I didn't know how to pray or what to pray for - I just asked God for peace knowing that will not come any time soon for those families, students, teachers, and community.

The next thing that happened some people might not believe, but I honestly don't care if they do or not.  I know what happened and my kids know what happened, and quite honestly I am still in awe of it.  I debated whether or not to tell anyone or even write this, but I'm doing it anyway.

When we got back to the room after a while we started up our word work groups.  This means one group of kids is with me at my small group table, while the rest of the kids are in their groups working on various spelling tasks.  One of our classroom ipads was on my presentation cart.  The kids use it for various games and activities, and I also use it for a timer and I play music from Pandora during independent writing time.  Lately we have been listening to Christmas piano music.  As I was working with my group, my mind began to wander again.  I was still so sad thinking of how it happened, what the students in the other classrooms must have heard and felt, what those poor parents were going through, and also how anyone could do such an awful thing.  I literally had so much going on in my mind that I was having a hard time teaching my small group.  I looked up at my students all working at their tables and all of a sudden, with no kids around it, the ipad came on and started playing, "The Voice of Truth." by Casting Crowns.  All my kids were in their seats, and I still have no idea how it turned on and they were just as surprised as I was.  When I got up to look at the ipad, Pandora had been opened and it said it was on quick mix.  I would never play Christian songs in my room for obvious reasons, so the fact that it picked that song was just a fluke thing.  Or maybe it wasn't.  All I know is it was exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment.  Yes, there is evil in this world.  Yes, there is hurt, pain, and so many unanswered questions, but there is also the voice of truth and that's what I need to remember.  As I said, I know this is hard to believe, but all I know is that it really happened.

Do I think the tragedy that happened yesterday was part of God's plan?  No - not for one single second.  Yesterday happened because of a man that had no hope.  Do I think yesterday happened because we have too many guns?  Nope.  As one of my friends put on facebook yesterday, crazy will always find a way.  If not guns, it would have been something else.  There are plenty of children that are killed by drunk drivers, but we're not going to take away alcohol and cars are we?  People who follow the rules will keep doing so, and those who don't will keep breaking them.  Changing laws will not change the bad guys.

So, as sad as it sounds I am not finding comfort in anything on this world.  Not in people, not in events, not in anything.  My hope is found out of this world.  The voice of truth to me is that one day we will be in Heaven and there will be no more pain, tears, or sorrow.  God never said this life would be an easy one, and free will is a scary, scary thing.  But I lean on the voice of truth and the only thing that gives me true comfort is that.

Dismissal yesterday was different.  I walked outside and was taking in how parents were hugging their kids a little longer.  I spoke with a mom of one of my students and she could barely get words out.  Yesterday changed me as a mother and a teacher.  I can't even imagine how those teachers in Connecticut go on with the rest of the school year.  How can they step back into that school and teach students?  I have no idea how those students can go back in that school knowing what happened there.  I can only imagine the nightmares that are about to come.  My heart hurts for those parents who were anticipating the joys of Christmas morning and now will be left with a void.  My heart hurts for the siblings who have lost a part of themselves.  I pray for the whole community - I pray that somehow, someday, they find peace and the voice of truth.


But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth