Transformation

This weekend my church held a retreat entitled Your Whole Life. We had a small preview of what it was going to be last week in Sunday school, so I thought I knew what to expect, but the truth is I had no idea what I was really in store for.

Dr. Wiles asked us to some how journal what we were experiencing right now, so that this time next year we can look back and see everything that has happened. Since I am forever stuck in teacher mode my first thought was, "What was the main idea of all the sessions?" Transformation. God wants to transform every part of our lives and be a part in everything. I'm not sure I've been successful in that lately - in fact I know I haven't.

Our fourth session was about having Sabbath in your whole life. The speaker really hit home when she said that we all wear our stress like it's a badge of honor. It's so true! It's like we are proud that we are stressed out and we always want to "one-up" someone else on how busy we are or in how many directions we are being pulled. My husband is such a helper to me in this area. I swear nothing stresses that man out...and me, well, I think it's a known fact to everyone close to me that I let stress really get to me. I mean seriously, I was on stress reducers my sophomore year of high school and I landed myself in the hospital in college because I refused to stop when my body was obviously telling me to do so. I loved that the speaker, Emily Prevost, said that grade school kids had it all figured out. When you ask them what their favorite time of the day is they say recess and lunch. I got to thinking of my own students. Of course they love those times of day, and mine being kindergarteners love "big centers" at the end of the day when they have free choice to do whatever they want in the room. This is time when I really see their personalities come out. They are relaxed and laughing and this is also the time when I see so much creativity come out - whether it be writing, art, imagining, whatever! I think I've lost a sense of that...I can't remember the last time I just let go and "played". Our last two vacations I have planned pretty much the entire time. Why can't I relax and just be? One of the scriptures pointed out during this session was Mark 6:31 where Jesus said, "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest." It sounds so simple, yet it is so hard for me. I think, "But I have lesson plans, homework and reading for grad school, committee meetings at work, cleaning, laundry, learning new music....and on and on." And I don't even have children!!! If I keep this up I know I will be miserable and drive myself crazy. What I want, and what I know God wants is for me to stop and slow down. I am going to make more time to just be. I want more time with friends, family, and growing closer to God. I know I won't be looking back going, man I wish I would have put a little more work into that one paper for that graduate class, but I might be looking back thinking, I wish I would have spent more time with that person before they moved away. Now, I'm not about to just slack off and half way do things, but I do need to do some serious reevaluating in my life.

There was another moment that really got to me this weekend and I'm still not sure if I'm making more out of it or what. It's hard for me to tell sometimes if God is speaking to me through certain things or if I'm just reading too much into things because that's what I want to hear at the time. (Yet another thing I'm working on!) Friday night was the kick off to the retreat. There is something going on in my life right now that I'm not exactly ready to share with the "blog world" yet, but the "thing" was really on my mind Friday night and I am embarrassed to say that I really wasn't in the mood to go to church. My praise team was singing that night so I pretty much had to go and I put on my smiling face and I was going to make the best of it. The honest truth was that I was angry at God. I hate that I was, and I wish more than anything that I wasn't, but I was. In my mind I wasn't understanding Him in regards to this "thing" and now I had to go praise Him in front of a church full of people. As I got in my car to drive to the church my Casting Crowns CD was playing and I was just about to turn it off, but it was on the track, "Praise You in this Storm" and I thought - wow, I am horrible. Here I was being so very selfish thinking of my problem and doubting God and His plan. Instead of anger I should be praising Him for the work He is doing. How dare I think I know what is best for me? I was so ashamed. I'm not going to say that singing Friday night wasn't hard for me because it was - the hurt was still there, but the anger was starting to fade. At the end of the sermon I was so ashamed of myself and in tears. During the prayer I went to God and asked him to forgive me for my anger and told Him I was trying to accept His way. Right after that in the choir room as we were getting ready to leave a man stopped me. I didn't know who he was but he said I walked by him Wednesday night at practice and he wanted to know the name of my perfume. I stopped and tried to hold back tears (I hate crying in front of other people) and I said, "Happy" and for some reason I just felt that God said, "That's it Heather - be happy with this." Later that night when I was at home I asked God to help break me and help me to be happy with His decision for my life right now - even if it's not what I wanted. I know He has a plan for me and I pray I will be the tool He needs me to be for that plan.

So, back to my "assignment"...it sure is a good thing I'm not a middle school or high school teacher because my thoughts are so jumbled up when I write! :) Where am I now? I'm at a place in my life where I need God to come in and take over. I love having control of everything in my life - that's how I've always been. I want to and need to stop that. I want God in control. I need to place more trust in Him. I also need to step back and relax a little - okay, a lot. I need to be willing to drop or put off things that are not as important as I am making them out to be. Hopefully this time next year I can look back and be able to see just how many blessings that adds to my life.

So I'm ready God - transform away! :)