I'm not even sure how to start this entry - no words seem right. I can't think of anything good enough or strong enough to explain what happened today - so I'm sorry my words won't do this any justice.
Today was Hope Elizabeth Pastusek's funeral. Anna and John are a couple in our Sunday school class at church and are Hope's amazing parents. They have known this day was coming for a few months, even though Hope wasn't born until last Wednesday. Hope had Trisonomy 18 (Edward's Syndrome) so Anna and John knew she wasn't going to make it - it was just a question of how much time they were going to have with her. Unfortunately, Hope was stillborn and today she was remembered.
When something like this happens people question God - people including me. As I have said before I hate that I do this, and I know I shouldn't, but sometimes life doesn't make sense to me. I see on an everday basis kids that have horrible parents. I have heard parents tell their children in front of them that they don't want them, and I have seen abuse beyond what any kid should have - even an iron burn on the face. But here was a couple that loves God, loves kids, and would have been great parents (and will be someday). So my question is why does something like this happen to them? Why is it that some of the greatest people I know aren't able to have children? And why do people who don't treat kids lovingly get to have so many? It just doesn't seem fair.
But today Dr. Wiles said something in the service that really hit home to me. Maybe you're heard it before, or thought it before, but I hadn't until today. Dr. Wiles said that he can't explain why these tough things happen, but he can't explain why blessings happen either. Wow. I had honestly never thought of it that way. Here I am questioning why these bad things are happening, but do I ever question the good? Why do some people have amazingly great and healthy kids? Why do some people have no problem having kids? Why does God bless us so much? These aren't questions I ask in times of joy. Sure, I've wondered sometimes how I got to be so blessed with certain parts of my life, but when I think about the pain in my life and other's life I've never asked God why there is also so much good. So, just as we can't explain the bad, we can't explain the good. God knows all and holds every tear and smile in His hands. We aren't here to question, and who knows what will come of the pain we endure? Anna and John have already reached and inspired more people than they know, and I know they will continue to do so. They are two of the strongest people I have ever met and they are truly two of my heroes.
Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no HOPE. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words.
~1 Thessalonians 4:13-18
Monday, March 31, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
It's a...????
Boy or girl?? That's a huge question in our minds right now. Sure,
we say it really doesn't matter and that all we want is a healthy baby
and that is 110% true, but not knowing the gender is hard! Of course we
have been looking at all the old wives tales and what not - just for
fun. Here's what we've found out so far.
Heartbeat test: The old wives tale is that if the heartbeat is over 140 beats per minute it's a girl, and if it's under 140 beats per minute it's a boy. Our's was 161, so that one says GIRL
Chinese Lunar Calendar: Checking your "chinese age" with conception time on a chart GIRL
Ring test: This is the one when you take your hubby's wedding ring and swing it above your belly. If it swings in a circular movement it's a girl. If it swings back and forth like a pendulum it's a boy. This one was performed by a family friend, Barbara Glover, at a wedding shower and she concluded it was a BOY
Cravings: The old wives tale on this one is if you crave meat you're having a boy and if you crave fruit you're having a girl. Since I physically have to force myself to eat meat nowadays and I can't stop buying fruit I'm going to conclude GIRL
I know this is all pretty silly, but at the same time it's fun to try and guess. The truth is we'll know April 23rd what we're having and the days are going to drag so slowly until then!!!
Here's a picture of the ring test being performed...not the most flattering of pictures, but oh well. :)
Heartbeat test: The old wives tale is that if the heartbeat is over 140 beats per minute it's a girl, and if it's under 140 beats per minute it's a boy. Our's was 161, so that one says GIRL
Chinese Lunar Calendar: Checking your "chinese age" with conception time on a chart GIRL
Ring test: This is the one when you take your hubby's wedding ring and swing it above your belly. If it swings in a circular movement it's a girl. If it swings back and forth like a pendulum it's a boy. This one was performed by a family friend, Barbara Glover, at a wedding shower and she concluded it was a BOY
Cravings: The old wives tale on this one is if you crave meat you're having a boy and if you crave fruit you're having a girl. Since I physically have to force myself to eat meat nowadays and I can't stop buying fruit I'm going to conclude GIRL
I know this is all pretty silly, but at the same time it's fun to try and guess. The truth is we'll know April 23rd what we're having and the days are going to drag so slowly until then!!!
Here's a picture of the ring test being performed...not the most flattering of pictures, but oh well. :)
Monday, March 17, 2008
First Sonogram
Our first sonogram was this past Thursday, March 13th - which also
happened to be Open House at my school, but there was no way I was going
to pass this up. I left a little early from school and headed to my
doctor in Mansfield. It took me almost 45 minutes to get there (I work
in North Arlington) and I had not been nervous at all until I was in the
car by myself thinking about what was about to happen. I kept thinking
crazy things like what if there was no heart beat, or what if there was
something else wrong and I had already told all these people we were
pregnant. I tried so hard to get these thoughts out of my head, but I
was so nervous about the whole thing that I was literally shaking. Cody
had been working out of town all week, but was going to meet me at the
doctor's office so he could be a part of this too. I guess I was more
nervous than I thought and completely missed the turn to the doctor's
office and Cody was already there so he was watching me and laughing the
whole time as I was making my u-turn to get back to the doctor.
Anyway - to make a long story short (or shorter) everything was fine. We could see our baby right away - especially the head and the little arm buds. It was beyond anything I have experienced before. One arm was moving - I said it was waving and Cody says it was practicing it's curve ball. :) I cried. I just couldn't help it. There is a life inside of me and I was finally seeing it. Then the technician asked if we wanted to hear the heartbeat - of course! She turned up the volume on the machine and man did we hear it! So, being me, I cried again. Cody was squeezing my hand and he was just as amazed as I was. It was one of the best times in my life and I am so thankful to have such a wonderful and loving husband to share it with! I am still blown away that our love can actually create a little life. We got two pictures that are great, but they don't show exactly what we saw. When the frame was frozen the bottom of our baby got a little bunched up or something, but you can still see the head and little arm buds. Cody was so cute too when we were leaving. He told the receptionist that they really should have made a copy of the pictures for me since he would be taking the ones we had then. :)
I hated that I had to go to Open House right after the appointment - all I wanted to do was go home and stare at the pictures of our baby! But it was great to be able to show my teammates the pictures, and I finally told my principal that I was pregnant.
That sonogram was so relieving and amazing to me!!! I am so thankful everything so far is okay and that our baby seems healthy - I just pray it stays that way! I can't wait to see more pictures of our little one and to find out whether we're having a girl or boy!
Anyway - to make a long story short (or shorter) everything was fine. We could see our baby right away - especially the head and the little arm buds. It was beyond anything I have experienced before. One arm was moving - I said it was waving and Cody says it was practicing it's curve ball. :) I cried. I just couldn't help it. There is a life inside of me and I was finally seeing it. Then the technician asked if we wanted to hear the heartbeat - of course! She turned up the volume on the machine and man did we hear it! So, being me, I cried again. Cody was squeezing my hand and he was just as amazed as I was. It was one of the best times in my life and I am so thankful to have such a wonderful and loving husband to share it with! I am still blown away that our love can actually create a little life. We got two pictures that are great, but they don't show exactly what we saw. When the frame was frozen the bottom of our baby got a little bunched up or something, but you can still see the head and little arm buds. Cody was so cute too when we were leaving. He told the receptionist that they really should have made a copy of the pictures for me since he would be taking the ones we had then. :)
I hated that I had to go to Open House right after the appointment - all I wanted to do was go home and stare at the pictures of our baby! But it was great to be able to show my teammates the pictures, and I finally told my principal that I was pregnant.
That sonogram was so relieving and amazing to me!!! I am so thankful everything so far is okay and that our baby seems healthy - I just pray it stays that way! I can't wait to see more pictures of our little one and to find out whether we're having a girl or boy!
We're Pregnant!!!
Wow - even writing the title of this blog makes me smile! I can't
believe I'm actually writing the words, "We're pregnant!" Is there
anything greater to write?? It's just down right amazing to me!
February 9th was the day we found out. Cody had been golfing (shocking I know) and I just had this crazy feeling that I was pregnant. Without getting into too much detail, it was still a little early to be sure in other ways, but I thought I'll go get a test and see what happens. I wanted to do it before Cody was home, but he pulled up in the driveway right after I did. I hid the bag in my purse and waited a while. He was checking his email at the computer, so I hurried into the bathroom to take the test. Within seconds it came up "Pregnant." I must have stared at that thing forever before really comprehending it. Then a HUGE smile came across my face and I ran into the computer room. Now, in my plans I had always thought I would have some kind of #1 dad hat or card or something cheesey like that to give to Cody when I found out I was pregnant, but when the actual moment came I completely ruined all those plans. I ran into the office and put my arms around his neck and had the test less than a foot from his eyes. All he could do was say, "What? What?" and then, "Are you serious?"
We hugged and I cried and then we hugged some more. I told him I just had to go to Barnes and Noble so off we went in search of a pregnancy book. I must have read the back covers and part of every pregnancy book in the store until I finally decided on the one I wanted. We got back in the car and said that we weren't going to tell anyone until we knew everything was alright. So of course I kept that for all of 10 more mintues and I called Kelly (my best friend at work) and told her. I justified it by saying someone at work had to know in case anything happened, but of course I was just too excited to keep it to myself. The next morning we went to church and Cody's praise team was singing. He came up to me right before the first service and told me he had slipped and told his friend Kris. All I could do was smile because I knew he was just as excited as I was. I ended up calling my best friends from college later that night and Cody called a few friends as well. We were going to wait on family though, which seems a bit backwards, but we had our reasons. My mom's birthday was coming up and I thought that would be a great time to do it. Cody's brother and sister-in-law are pregnant too and we wanted to give them a little time to celebrate before we shared our news as well.
How We Told His Parents
We went up to his mother's office where his parents and brother were. Earlier in the day Cody had made this shirt (and when I say made, I mean white t-shirt with magic marker) that said #1 Dad (soon). We had been talking normally the entire time and then Cody told them we had some news - he lifted up his shirt and revealed the white #1 Dad (soon) shirt and his parents were literally in shock. It was so funny! Then there was lots of hugging and excitement and even more shock. Cody then went in the hallway and called his little brother and told him the news.
How We Told My Parents
Like I said earlier, my mother's birthday was coming up - February 16th. Now, let me tell you, it was beyond hard to talk to her on the phone and even plan a shower with her and some of her friends and keep it a secret! But I knew her birthday would be a perfect time so I did my best and I actually kept the secret! For her present I bought her a Grandma's brag book, a book called Grandma and Me, and two bibs - one that said, "What Happens At Grandma's Stays and Grandma's" and I honestly can't remember the other one right now - but it was grandmaish too. :) So on her birthday Cody and I went over there and we talked for a while and then handed her the present. As she was opening it she got this really confused look on her face and then started saying, "What? What is this?" My dad looked over and then looked at me and said, "Are you pregnant?" Even before I could answer yes he was already picking up the phone to call my grandmother. It was so my dad! :)
Needless to say, both of our families were shocked, but very excited. Our little baby is going to have two amazing sets of grandparents!!!
February 9th was the day we found out. Cody had been golfing (shocking I know) and I just had this crazy feeling that I was pregnant. Without getting into too much detail, it was still a little early to be sure in other ways, but I thought I'll go get a test and see what happens. I wanted to do it before Cody was home, but he pulled up in the driveway right after I did. I hid the bag in my purse and waited a while. He was checking his email at the computer, so I hurried into the bathroom to take the test. Within seconds it came up "Pregnant." I must have stared at that thing forever before really comprehending it. Then a HUGE smile came across my face and I ran into the computer room. Now, in my plans I had always thought I would have some kind of #1 dad hat or card or something cheesey like that to give to Cody when I found out I was pregnant, but when the actual moment came I completely ruined all those plans. I ran into the office and put my arms around his neck and had the test less than a foot from his eyes. All he could do was say, "What? What?" and then, "Are you serious?"
We hugged and I cried and then we hugged some more. I told him I just had to go to Barnes and Noble so off we went in search of a pregnancy book. I must have read the back covers and part of every pregnancy book in the store until I finally decided on the one I wanted. We got back in the car and said that we weren't going to tell anyone until we knew everything was alright. So of course I kept that for all of 10 more mintues and I called Kelly (my best friend at work) and told her. I justified it by saying someone at work had to know in case anything happened, but of course I was just too excited to keep it to myself. The next morning we went to church and Cody's praise team was singing. He came up to me right before the first service and told me he had slipped and told his friend Kris. All I could do was smile because I knew he was just as excited as I was. I ended up calling my best friends from college later that night and Cody called a few friends as well. We were going to wait on family though, which seems a bit backwards, but we had our reasons. My mom's birthday was coming up and I thought that would be a great time to do it. Cody's brother and sister-in-law are pregnant too and we wanted to give them a little time to celebrate before we shared our news as well.
How We Told His Parents
We went up to his mother's office where his parents and brother were. Earlier in the day Cody had made this shirt (and when I say made, I mean white t-shirt with magic marker) that said #1 Dad (soon). We had been talking normally the entire time and then Cody told them we had some news - he lifted up his shirt and revealed the white #1 Dad (soon) shirt and his parents were literally in shock. It was so funny! Then there was lots of hugging and excitement and even more shock. Cody then went in the hallway and called his little brother and told him the news.
How We Told My Parents
Like I said earlier, my mother's birthday was coming up - February 16th. Now, let me tell you, it was beyond hard to talk to her on the phone and even plan a shower with her and some of her friends and keep it a secret! But I knew her birthday would be a perfect time so I did my best and I actually kept the secret! For her present I bought her a Grandma's brag book, a book called Grandma and Me, and two bibs - one that said, "What Happens At Grandma's Stays and Grandma's" and I honestly can't remember the other one right now - but it was grandmaish too. :) So on her birthday Cody and I went over there and we talked for a while and then handed her the present. As she was opening it she got this really confused look on her face and then started saying, "What? What is this?" My dad looked over and then looked at me and said, "Are you pregnant?" Even before I could answer yes he was already picking up the phone to call my grandmother. It was so my dad! :)
Needless to say, both of our families were shocked, but very excited. Our little baby is going to have two amazing sets of grandparents!!!
Sunday, March 2, 2008
The Double Sided Mirror
Last week in my graduate class, we were able to watch an amazing Reading Recovery teacher work with one of her students. We were watching behind a glass mirror (like you see on all the cop shows) - we could see the teacher and student, but the student had no idea we could see him. He was a first grader that had been the lowest in his class at the beginning of the year, and this teacher had worked with him every morning at 7:30 until 8:05 doing the framework lessons of Reading Recovery, which is an AMAZING program that I wish more schools had, but that's a whole other issue...
As we were watching this sweet child read and write with such confidence and even joy, I looked around and the other teachers. We all could not help ourselves when he was reading or spelling a sight word - we were all cheering him on and acted as if one lean of us might actually help him. It was actually pretty funny as we tried to encourage someone who didn't even know we were there. Then I got to thinking of how that related to life. How many people are behind a "glass" with God watching them not even knowing Him? There God is, cheering people on and wanting so much for them to success and some don't even know He's there.
At the end of the lesson the Reading Recovery teacher took the student across to our room so he could see we had all been watching him. He was exiting the program the very next day, so he only had one more lesson in the mirrored room anyway. The look on his face when he realized exactly what had gone on was priceless! At first it was confusion, then this huge smile came on his face and he said, "Did you see how good of a reader I was?" I imagine a non-believer finally realizing that God has been in their lives, just waiting for them to come to the other side of the mirror and realize He has been there watching and waiting. Some of us take a little longer to "exit the program" and make that progress, but after that we are fill with knowledge and joy for the rest of our life! This just convicts me more to share the joy of Jesus with those who don't know Him. Obviously I can't be the one to move them across to the other side of the glass - that comes from within that person's heart, but maybe, just maybe, I can be like that teacher - showing someone the way to the answers.
As we were watching this sweet child read and write with such confidence and even joy, I looked around and the other teachers. We all could not help ourselves when he was reading or spelling a sight word - we were all cheering him on and acted as if one lean of us might actually help him. It was actually pretty funny as we tried to encourage someone who didn't even know we were there. Then I got to thinking of how that related to life. How many people are behind a "glass" with God watching them not even knowing Him? There God is, cheering people on and wanting so much for them to success and some don't even know He's there.
At the end of the lesson the Reading Recovery teacher took the student across to our room so he could see we had all been watching him. He was exiting the program the very next day, so he only had one more lesson in the mirrored room anyway. The look on his face when he realized exactly what had gone on was priceless! At first it was confusion, then this huge smile came on his face and he said, "Did you see how good of a reader I was?" I imagine a non-believer finally realizing that God has been in their lives, just waiting for them to come to the other side of the mirror and realize He has been there watching and waiting. Some of us take a little longer to "exit the program" and make that progress, but after that we are fill with knowledge and joy for the rest of our life! This just convicts me more to share the joy of Jesus with those who don't know Him. Obviously I can't be the one to move them across to the other side of the glass - that comes from within that person's heart, but maybe, just maybe, I can be like that teacher - showing someone the way to the answers.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
My Reminder
I like to play music as I'm working upstairs in the office and I was doing just that tonight. This song came on and it really helped me with my "issue" right now so I wanted to post again tonight.
There are moments on our journey following the Lord
where God illumines every step we take
There are times when circumstances make perfect sense to us
as we try to understand each move He makes
When the path grows dim
and our questions have no answers turn to him
Bow the Knee
Trust the heart of your father
When the answer goes beyond what you can see
Bow the Knee
lift your eyes towards Heaven
and believe the One who holds eternity
and when you don't understand, the purpose of his plan
in the presence of the king
Bow the Knee
There are days when clouds surround us and the rain begins to fall
the cold and lonely winds wont cease to blow
And there seems to be no reason for the suffering we feel
We are tempted to believe God does not know
when the storms arise, don't forget we live by faith and not by sight
Bow the Knee
Trust the heart of your father
When the answer goes beyond what you can see
Bow the Knee
lift your eyes towards Heaven and believe the One who holds eternity
and when you don't understand, the purpose of his plan
in the presence of the king
Bow the Knee
There are moments on our journey following the Lord
where God illumines every step we take
There are times when circumstances make perfect sense to us
as we try to understand each move He makes
When the path grows dim
and our questions have no answers turn to him
Bow the Knee
Trust the heart of your father
When the answer goes beyond what you can see
Bow the Knee
lift your eyes towards Heaven
and believe the One who holds eternity
and when you don't understand, the purpose of his plan
in the presence of the king
Bow the Knee
There are days when clouds surround us and the rain begins to fall
the cold and lonely winds wont cease to blow
And there seems to be no reason for the suffering we feel
We are tempted to believe God does not know
when the storms arise, don't forget we live by faith and not by sight
Bow the Knee
Trust the heart of your father
When the answer goes beyond what you can see
Bow the Knee
lift your eyes towards Heaven and believe the One who holds eternity
and when you don't understand, the purpose of his plan
in the presence of the king
Bow the Knee
Friday, January 11, 2008
Transformation
This weekend my church held a retreat entitled Your Whole Life. We had a small preview of what it was going to be last week in Sunday school, so I thought I knew what to expect, but the truth is I had no idea what I was really in store for.
Dr. Wiles asked us to some how journal what we were experiencing right now, so that this time next year we can look back and see everything that has happened. Since I am forever stuck in teacher mode my first thought was, "What was the main idea of all the sessions?" Transformation. God wants to transform every part of our lives and be a part in everything. I'm not sure I've been successful in that lately - in fact I know I haven't.
Our fourth session was about having Sabbath in your whole life. The speaker really hit home when she said that we all wear our stress like it's a badge of honor. It's so true! It's like we are proud that we are stressed out and we always want to "one-up" someone else on how busy we are or in how many directions we are being pulled. My husband is such a helper to me in this area. I swear nothing stresses that man out...and me, well, I think it's a known fact to everyone close to me that I let stress really get to me. I mean seriously, I was on stress reducers my sophomore year of high school and I landed myself in the hospital in college because I refused to stop when my body was obviously telling me to do so. I loved that the speaker, Emily Prevost, said that grade school kids had it all figured out. When you ask them what their favorite time of the day is they say recess and lunch. I got to thinking of my own students. Of course they love those times of day, and mine being kindergarteners love "big centers" at the end of the day when they have free choice to do whatever they want in the room. This is time when I really see their personalities come out. They are relaxed and laughing and this is also the time when I see so much creativity come out - whether it be writing, art, imagining, whatever! I think I've lost a sense of that...I can't remember the last time I just let go and "played". Our last two vacations I have planned pretty much the entire time. Why can't I relax and just be? One of the scriptures pointed out during this session was Mark 6:31 where Jesus said, "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest." It sounds so simple, yet it is so hard for me. I think, "But I have lesson plans, homework and reading for grad school, committee meetings at work, cleaning, laundry, learning new music....and on and on." And I don't even have children!!! If I keep this up I know I will be miserable and drive myself crazy. What I want, and what I know God wants is for me to stop and slow down. I am going to make more time to just be. I want more time with friends, family, and growing closer to God. I know I won't be looking back going, man I wish I would have put a little more work into that one paper for that graduate class, but I might be looking back thinking, I wish I would have spent more time with that person before they moved away. Now, I'm not about to just slack off and half way do things, but I do need to do some serious reevaluating in my life.
There was another moment that really got to me this weekend and I'm still not sure if I'm making more out of it or what. It's hard for me to tell sometimes if God is speaking to me through certain things or if I'm just reading too much into things because that's what I want to hear at the time. (Yet another thing I'm working on!) Friday night was the kick off to the retreat. There is something going on in my life right now that I'm not exactly ready to share with the "blog world" yet, but the "thing" was really on my mind Friday night and I am embarrassed to say that I really wasn't in the mood to go to church. My praise team was singing that night so I pretty much had to go and I put on my smiling face and I was going to make the best of it. The honest truth was that I was angry at God. I hate that I was, and I wish more than anything that I wasn't, but I was. In my mind I wasn't understanding Him in regards to this "thing" and now I had to go praise Him in front of a church full of people. As I got in my car to drive to the church my Casting Crowns CD was playing and I was just about to turn it off, but it was on the track, "Praise You in this Storm" and I thought - wow, I am horrible. Here I was being so very selfish thinking of my problem and doubting God and His plan. Instead of anger I should be praising Him for the work He is doing. How dare I think I know what is best for me? I was so ashamed. I'm not going to say that singing Friday night wasn't hard for me because it was - the hurt was still there, but the anger was starting to fade. At the end of the sermon I was so ashamed of myself and in tears. During the prayer I went to God and asked him to forgive me for my anger and told Him I was trying to accept His way. Right after that in the choir room as we were getting ready to leave a man stopped me. I didn't know who he was but he said I walked by him Wednesday night at practice and he wanted to know the name of my perfume. I stopped and tried to hold back tears (I hate crying in front of other people) and I said, "Happy" and for some reason I just felt that God said, "That's it Heather - be happy with this." Later that night when I was at home I asked God to help break me and help me to be happy with His decision for my life right now - even if it's not what I wanted. I know He has a plan for me and I pray I will be the tool He needs me to be for that plan.
So, back to my "assignment"...it sure is a good thing I'm not a middle school or high school teacher because my thoughts are so jumbled up when I write! :) Where am I now? I'm at a place in my life where I need God to come in and take over. I love having control of everything in my life - that's how I've always been. I want to and need to stop that. I want God in control. I need to place more trust in Him. I also need to step back and relax a little - okay, a lot. I need to be willing to drop or put off things that are not as important as I am making them out to be. Hopefully this time next year I can look back and be able to see just how many blessings that adds to my life.
So I'm ready God - transform away! :)
Dr. Wiles asked us to some how journal what we were experiencing right now, so that this time next year we can look back and see everything that has happened. Since I am forever stuck in teacher mode my first thought was, "What was the main idea of all the sessions?" Transformation. God wants to transform every part of our lives and be a part in everything. I'm not sure I've been successful in that lately - in fact I know I haven't.
Our fourth session was about having Sabbath in your whole life. The speaker really hit home when she said that we all wear our stress like it's a badge of honor. It's so true! It's like we are proud that we are stressed out and we always want to "one-up" someone else on how busy we are or in how many directions we are being pulled. My husband is such a helper to me in this area. I swear nothing stresses that man out...and me, well, I think it's a known fact to everyone close to me that I let stress really get to me. I mean seriously, I was on stress reducers my sophomore year of high school and I landed myself in the hospital in college because I refused to stop when my body was obviously telling me to do so. I loved that the speaker, Emily Prevost, said that grade school kids had it all figured out. When you ask them what their favorite time of the day is they say recess and lunch. I got to thinking of my own students. Of course they love those times of day, and mine being kindergarteners love "big centers" at the end of the day when they have free choice to do whatever they want in the room. This is time when I really see their personalities come out. They are relaxed and laughing and this is also the time when I see so much creativity come out - whether it be writing, art, imagining, whatever! I think I've lost a sense of that...I can't remember the last time I just let go and "played". Our last two vacations I have planned pretty much the entire time. Why can't I relax and just be? One of the scriptures pointed out during this session was Mark 6:31 where Jesus said, "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest." It sounds so simple, yet it is so hard for me. I think, "But I have lesson plans, homework and reading for grad school, committee meetings at work, cleaning, laundry, learning new music....and on and on." And I don't even have children!!! If I keep this up I know I will be miserable and drive myself crazy. What I want, and what I know God wants is for me to stop and slow down. I am going to make more time to just be. I want more time with friends, family, and growing closer to God. I know I won't be looking back going, man I wish I would have put a little more work into that one paper for that graduate class, but I might be looking back thinking, I wish I would have spent more time with that person before they moved away. Now, I'm not about to just slack off and half way do things, but I do need to do some serious reevaluating in my life.
There was another moment that really got to me this weekend and I'm still not sure if I'm making more out of it or what. It's hard for me to tell sometimes if God is speaking to me through certain things or if I'm just reading too much into things because that's what I want to hear at the time. (Yet another thing I'm working on!) Friday night was the kick off to the retreat. There is something going on in my life right now that I'm not exactly ready to share with the "blog world" yet, but the "thing" was really on my mind Friday night and I am embarrassed to say that I really wasn't in the mood to go to church. My praise team was singing that night so I pretty much had to go and I put on my smiling face and I was going to make the best of it. The honest truth was that I was angry at God. I hate that I was, and I wish more than anything that I wasn't, but I was. In my mind I wasn't understanding Him in regards to this "thing" and now I had to go praise Him in front of a church full of people. As I got in my car to drive to the church my Casting Crowns CD was playing and I was just about to turn it off, but it was on the track, "Praise You in this Storm" and I thought - wow, I am horrible. Here I was being so very selfish thinking of my problem and doubting God and His plan. Instead of anger I should be praising Him for the work He is doing. How dare I think I know what is best for me? I was so ashamed. I'm not going to say that singing Friday night wasn't hard for me because it was - the hurt was still there, but the anger was starting to fade. At the end of the sermon I was so ashamed of myself and in tears. During the prayer I went to God and asked him to forgive me for my anger and told Him I was trying to accept His way. Right after that in the choir room as we were getting ready to leave a man stopped me. I didn't know who he was but he said I walked by him Wednesday night at practice and he wanted to know the name of my perfume. I stopped and tried to hold back tears (I hate crying in front of other people) and I said, "Happy" and for some reason I just felt that God said, "That's it Heather - be happy with this." Later that night when I was at home I asked God to help break me and help me to be happy with His decision for my life right now - even if it's not what I wanted. I know He has a plan for me and I pray I will be the tool He needs me to be for that plan.
So, back to my "assignment"...it sure is a good thing I'm not a middle school or high school teacher because my thoughts are so jumbled up when I write! :) Where am I now? I'm at a place in my life where I need God to come in and take over. I love having control of everything in my life - that's how I've always been. I want to and need to stop that. I want God in control. I need to place more trust in Him. I also need to step back and relax a little - okay, a lot. I need to be willing to drop or put off things that are not as important as I am making them out to be. Hopefully this time next year I can look back and be able to see just how many blessings that adds to my life.
So I'm ready God - transform away! :)
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