Home Update

So, apparently I was wrong and our house didn't go on the market the day after Christmas.  I just got an email today from the relator's office that the pictures are done and the listing will go up later today.  After we look and "approve" the listing they will send out a "blast" to over 1,000 realtors. 

Wow.  I guess it's really happening.  

I keep going through so many emotions.  Excitement of a new house.  Scared that nobody will like this house.  Terrified that we'll sell this one and not find another house that has everything I want.  Sadness of leaving so many great memories behind.  

That last part kind of caught me off guard at first.  I've done nothing but want to get out of this house for the last few years, but the thought of actually doing it makes my heart hurt a bit.  This is where Cody and I spent our first year of marriage.  It's where we brought Kaitlyn home.  It's been where we've shared laughs, game nights, and everything in between.  We've even had a few arguments - haha!  ;)  

All I know to do is pray.  Pray that this is the right choice for our family and that better things will come.  

Also praying that I can keep a house with two dogs and a four year old clean for showings in the near future!  

Oh Be Careful Little Eyes What You See

Sex - sexy - love making - etc. etc. etc.

Now, before you think I've gone crazy I will not be sharing ANY personal details about my marriage.  What this post is about is how many stinking places I have to see and hear about sex every day.  I finally got disgusted with the television and turned it off.  My poor daughter was exposed to the words sexy and sex 3 times in under 10 minutes.  What were we watching?  FAMILY FEUD.

Seriously?

This is what our society has become?  I can't even watch a game show with my daughter without the fear of her hearing something inappropriate?  And a game show with the name family in it?

Sadness.

I can't take her in the mall without seeing barely clothed women in Victoria's Secret's windows.  Heck, I can't even drive to the mall without passing a place called Cindy's that has "costumes" in the windows.

Don't even get me started about turning on the radio.

I can't stand this.  I just want to stick her in a bubble and say, "This is not beauty.  This is not love.  This is not who you have to be."  Right now she's 4 and easily listens to me.  What happens when she's 16 and thinks her mom knows nothing, but those girls at school do?

I don't want her to live a sheltered life, but my goodness!  I feel like we've all lost classiness.

Do boy moms worry about them being exposed to all this?  I'm sure it's hard to bring up a Godly man when there is temptation all around.  Do they grow up thinking women have to be like this?  I was so sadden a few weeks ago when the Victoria Secret fashion show came on.  Young teens from my church were posting about how excited they were that it was on.  Others were posting how fat they thought they were and how the show reminded them they needed to lose weight.  These girls were already smaller than most girls will ever be.

Why did we become this way?  How?  When did it get this bad?

Remember when Lucy and Ricky walked into their bedroom?  They had separate beds.  Sex was never once mentioned.

Now it's everywhere.  You can't even watch a family game show.  And if you do find a pretty decent show...well, just brace yourself for the commercials.  :( 

Home Sweet Home

Our house goes on the market the day after Christmas.  I'm still kind of shocked to see the for sale sign in our yard each time I drive home.  We've talked about this for a while now, but it's actually happening now.

We're not moving to another city or anything like that.  We just want another house.  I'm not really looking for much bigger, although of course that might be nice.  The house that we're in now just has never felt like home to me.  I can't explain why, but it just doesn't.

I bought the house myself the first year I was teaching.  I was so excited about getting a place of my own and just didn't take the time to consider everything the future would hold.  I looked at it as our starter home.  Cody shopped with me because we were already engaged and knew he would be living with me right after we got married.  My dad was a financial adviser and advised me to not get an apartment, but to find a small house so that I could make my money back one day.  Cody and I agreed that we would live here for a few years then try to find something more "homey" to me.  I knew I didn't want to raise children in this house.

Kaitlyn is now 4.

So, we finally bit the bullet and we're doing it.  We have a wonderful friend at church who just happens to be a relator and someone we both trust.  He has made the process painless and I'm thankful for that.  I'm not sure how long it will take to sell, but we're not in a hurry.  I said the goal was to be out of here and settled into a new house by the time K starts kindergarten.  Well, that's in the Fall of 2014.  I hope it doesn't take that long, because patience has never been my strong point, but I'm surprisingly calm this time around.

My main concern is finding that Goldilocks house - you know, not too this and not too that, but just right.  I'm not looking for fancy, I'm not looking for huge - I just want home.  I'm not sure what that means yet, but I'll know it when I see it.  It will be that house where I can see K doing her homework and having friends over.  It's that house where I can see me finally getting to host a Thanksgiving dinner or a weekly youth group bible study.

I can't wait to see what the future holds for our family!  :)

Elf on the Shelf

We became one of those families this year.  One of those families that has an elf - an elf on the shelf.  Someone at K's school mentioned having an elf at their house and she told me how much she wished Santa would send an elf to her house.

What's a mom to do?

Go to Target and get one - that's what.  And then to Barnes and Noble because Target was out of the skirts and we wanted a girl one.  Yes, I am THAT mom.

Thus began the daily routine of moving the elf, dubbed Sparkle, into a new spot.  Some spots are goofy, some sweet, and some that are kind of "normal" ones because this mama was running out of ideas.  Now, don't get me wrong - the elf totally creeps me out.  I was the girl that made my parents bag up my Raggedy Ann doll and put it in the attic when I was little after I saw an episode of Unsolved Mysteries where a Raggedy Ann doll was supposedly possessed.  After I saw that, I was scarred for life and still want nothing to do with those dolls.

But my daughter doesn't think her elf is creepy, so I'm doing it.  Each and every day until Christmas comes.  And guess what?  I'm actually putting effort into it.  I am so tired of people on Facebook telling me in a not so subtle way that what I'm doing is stupid.  Yes, in a way I'm lying to my kid.  Yes, the doll is creepy.  Yes, the elf does bad things. 

If you don't like it, well, don't look at it.  Or you know what?  Go ahead and unfriend me.  I don't do it for your approval, I promise.  I do it for my daughter and to share those moments with my family and close friends that LOVE to talk to K about it.   

Let me elaborate:

Lying to my kid - I get it.  Not everyone wants to do Santa, the elf, etc.  But I do and I hate the judgement for it.  My daughter gets SO VERY excited every morning when she gets to go find Sparkle.  If you could see her face you would do it in a heartbeat too.  K believes in Santa, but she knows about Jesus too.  She can tell you the entire Christmas story if you'll take the time to listen.  She knows where to find it in her bible too.  Am I bragging?  No.  I'm just putting it out there that we do instill in her the true meaning of Christmas while also celebrating the "Santay" part.  I love that she still has her innocence.  Trust me - my being a teacher for this long has let me see too many children that lose that way too early.  Our culture is making kids grow up way too fast and I'm tired of it.  I'm not pushing my daughter into having adult conversations with us, to dress older than her age, or to not have an imagination.  I want her to be 4.  If your family chooses not to have Santa, I'm okay with that too.  Everyone knows what is best for their family, but please don't tell me what I'm doing with mine is wrong - every. single. day. on. Facebook.  We get it - you don't like it.  Point made.

Our elf does do some "bad" things.  Sparkle hasn't done anything too crazy, but she does do some things that I would hope K would never do.  But guess what?  I do things each day that I wish I wouldn't do.  That's the point I'm trying to make with K and her elf.  We all mess up, but there is grace.  If only the truly good people got presents for Christmas there would be no Black Friday and no crowded parking lots right now.  We all get second chances (and third, fourth, etc.) and thank God for that!  My first graders learn about grace when it's time for their first folder sign.  I pull each of them aside and tell them that I should sign their folder because of their actions, but we all deserve grace and this is your one grace when it comes to me signing your folder.  The next time you break our class promises I will sign your folder.  And guess what I see?  They begin to grace each other.  When Sparkle does bad things we talk to K about grace and how God forgives us.  Now guess who is talking about grace - and not just because it's her middle name?  ;)

Does it take me a little extra time to make Sparkle do some silly things? Yep, but nothing has taken longer than five minutes.  And each minute that I've used is worth it to me when I hear my daughter say, "Sparkle!  You have to try harder to be good, but I still love you!"

Yep - I love that elf.

The Voice of Truth

I've tried so many times to start this post.  I honestly just don't think any words right now will be enough.  With that said, I know whatever I end up writing won't even get close to what I'm trying to express, but I'm doing it anyway.

Yesterday rocked me to the core - as a mother, as a teacher, and quite simply as a human being.  It was like my worst fears from every aspect of my life came true in another town and classroom.  I still cannot wrap my mind around it.  If I'm honest with myself, I'm not sure I want to get to that point.

I had an unique experience with the news yesterday in that I didn't work a full day.  K had her Christmas program at school, so I took the morning off.  As I was driving back to work Cody called me and told me the news.  Immediately I went numb.  Of course any shooting that you hear of will sadden you, but a school?  When he said elementary school, I had to ask him to repeat himself because surely I heard it wrong.  I was just dumbfounded.

I pulled into the parking lot at my school and just sat in my car for a minute.  My kids were at lunch and I had a little while before I had to pick them up.  I've learned over the years that one of the hardest parts of being a teacher is trying to put on a happy face when something terrible has happened.  My first year teaching was the year Katrina hit New Orleans, and trust me I had some hard questions coming from sweet kinder kiddos.  We even had three evacuees that came and joined our class that year.  Those three kids taught me a lot and I am thankful they were in my classroom that year.  It made me a better teacher.  I learned quickly that academics are important, but helping kids to fill loved is an even greater responsibility. 

But as I walked into my school a different kind of sadness came over me.  All I could think about were those parents getting those phone calls.  I was imagining moms at home thinking their child was safe in a classroom and then dropping the phone once they learned the news.  I imagined other parents at work in an office going about their day and then having the world stop.  My heart was heavy knowing the pain they were going through.

As I walked to the cafeteria to pick up my students and saw a lunchroom of innocent children, my eyes started to tear up.  I knew I had to pull it together for the sake of the kiddos, but my goodness it was hard.  I looked into the faces of each one of my students and my heart just ached for those who had just lost their life.  I kept thinking, how could someone do this?  How?  Beautiful, innocent children...

We went back to the room and carried on as usual, although my mind was a million miles away.  We had library at 1:00 and when we arrived, the librarian had a news report on her computer (not to where the kids could see, but I go behind the desk to check in their books).  As I read the report of it now being 20 kids I thought to myself - that's my whole class.  20 kids.  20 parents that will never get to hold their precious child again.  20 empty beds.  20 futures just gone.  How?  Why?

I looked at the carpet where my students were sitting listening to Jack and the Beanstalk.  I looked at their smiles when something funny happened.  Then for whatever reason my mind went to their parents' faces and then the tears really started coming.  I had to get up and leave for just a few minutes.  I went back to my empty classroom and cried a bit and prayed.  I didn't know how to pray or what to pray for - I just asked God for peace knowing that will not come any time soon for those families, students, teachers, and community.

The next thing that happened some people might not believe, but I honestly don't care if they do or not.  I know what happened and my kids know what happened, and quite honestly I am still in awe of it.  I debated whether or not to tell anyone or even write this, but I'm doing it anyway.

When we got back to the room after a while we started up our word work groups.  This means one group of kids is with me at my small group table, while the rest of the kids are in their groups working on various spelling tasks.  One of our classroom ipads was on my presentation cart.  The kids use it for various games and activities, and I also use it for a timer and I play music from Pandora during independent writing time.  Lately we have been listening to Christmas piano music.  As I was working with my group, my mind began to wander again.  I was still so sad thinking of how it happened, what the students in the other classrooms must have heard and felt, what those poor parents were going through, and also how anyone could do such an awful thing.  I literally had so much going on in my mind that I was having a hard time teaching my small group.  I looked up at my students all working at their tables and all of a sudden, with no kids around it, the ipad came on and started playing, "The Voice of Truth." by Casting Crowns.  All my kids were in their seats, and I still have no idea how it turned on and they were just as surprised as I was.  When I got up to look at the ipad, Pandora had been opened and it said it was on quick mix.  I would never play Christian songs in my room for obvious reasons, so the fact that it picked that song was just a fluke thing.  Or maybe it wasn't.  All I know is it was exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment.  Yes, there is evil in this world.  Yes, there is hurt, pain, and so many unanswered questions, but there is also the voice of truth and that's what I need to remember.  As I said, I know this is hard to believe, but all I know is that it really happened.

Do I think the tragedy that happened yesterday was part of God's plan?  No - not for one single second.  Yesterday happened because of a man that had no hope.  Do I think yesterday happened because we have too many guns?  Nope.  As one of my friends put on facebook yesterday, crazy will always find a way.  If not guns, it would have been something else.  There are plenty of children that are killed by drunk drivers, but we're not going to take away alcohol and cars are we?  People who follow the rules will keep doing so, and those who don't will keep breaking them.  Changing laws will not change the bad guys.

So, as sad as it sounds I am not finding comfort in anything on this world.  Not in people, not in events, not in anything.  My hope is found out of this world.  The voice of truth to me is that one day we will be in Heaven and there will be no more pain, tears, or sorrow.  God never said this life would be an easy one, and free will is a scary, scary thing.  But I lean on the voice of truth and the only thing that gives me true comfort is that.

Dismissal yesterday was different.  I walked outside and was taking in how parents were hugging their kids a little longer.  I spoke with a mom of one of my students and she could barely get words out.  Yesterday changed me as a mother and a teacher.  I can't even imagine how those teachers in Connecticut go on with the rest of the school year.  How can they step back into that school and teach students?  I have no idea how those students can go back in that school knowing what happened there.  I can only imagine the nightmares that are about to come.  My heart hurts for those parents who were anticipating the joys of Christmas morning and now will be left with a void.  My heart hurts for the siblings who have lost a part of themselves.  I pray for the whole community - I pray that somehow, someday, they find peace and the voice of truth.


But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth