NICU

My daughter is in the NICU - that's all that was going through my mind the next morning and for almost a week after. I had known of other people that have had babies in the NICU and I had seen it on countless movies and tv shows, but never in my mind did I think I would have a baby in the NICU.

At first I couldn't go see her. I was still recovering from surgery and they wouldn't let me go down to see her with all my i.v.s and what not hooked up to me. Cody could go down and he took pictures for me, but it still killed me that I couldn't see her. I hated the pictures too - not that I didn't instantly fall in love with her and think she was the most beautiful thing ever, but there was my precious baby with tubes and cords all over her and I couldn't even be there to tell her it was okay and that I loved her.

Eventually I was "unhooked" and was able to be taken in a wheel chair to go see her. It was the best and worst thing ever. She just looked so helpless to me and I couldn't as a mother do anything for her. The nurses told me all I could do was put my hand on her back because her skin was too sensitive for me to hold her or even rub her back. I wanted more than anything to just hold her in my arms.

The next few days were full of ups and downs. Cody and I went to see her periodically throughout each day and she continued to have progress and setbacks. She would be breathing great, but not eating...then she would be eating more, but not maintaining her body temperature. It was so stressful, but each minute that I got to spend with her was a minute I was thankful for.

Friends and family came up to visit while were in the hospital, which I am so thankful for, but it was also so sad to me. I had gone plenty of times up to the hosptial when someone I knew I had a baby - even two weeks before for Casey and Candy's daughter Cadie. Each time everyone would take turns passing the baby around talking about how cute he or she was. But when I had visitors all I could do was update them on Kaitlyn's status. I wanted to be the proud mom and show her off to everyone, but she was still hooked up to machines in the NICU. Not that I didn't love having everyone come see us - it meant so much to both Cody and me. But it just wasn't what I wanted it to be.

Then Saturday came and it was horrible. I was discharged from the hospital but Kaitlyn was not. Cody and I had to go sit through a discharge class and everyone there brought their baby but me. I had to fight back the tears the entire time. At the end of the class the nurse started to pass out the discharge forms for the babies. When I told her that my daughter was in NICU and wasn't being discharged she said really loudly, "Oh well then you can go ahead and go. You don't need to be here for this part." That's when I felt the tears really coming and there was nothing I could do to stop them. Cody and I had to walk all the way across the room to the door and it seemed like everyone's eyes were just glued to us. By the time I got to the hallway I just about lost it and broke into the horrible "ugly cry" as Oprah calls it. It just wasn't fair. All these parents got to take their babies home with them that day and we couldn't. I know that she was right where she needed to be and was getting the help she needed, but I just wanted to have her in my arms and at home. When we left the hospital it was by far the worst car ride of my life - and I cried the entire way home.

The next few days I was again running on autopilot. My body was sore and I was exhausted, but I made it up to the NICU for all the feedings that I could. I even went to church that Sunday - everyone there thought I was crazy for going, but they were doing Kaitlyn's rose presentation and I wasn't going to miss it. Plus I would just go crazy sitting at home.

Kaitlyn kept making progress and eventually we got the "rooming in" orders. That meant Cody and I would have to stay a night in a hospital room with Kaitlyn and she wouldn't be hooked up to any machines. We would have to chart her body temp, dirty diapers, and amount of food she was taking every three hours and report them to the nurse. If she did okay all night and morning we would get to go home with her. I don't think Cody or I slept for more than 10 mintues that night but Kaitlyn made it through the night like a champ and we were more than excited to get the discharge orders the next morning from the NICU doctor!!